I cried for 90 minutes last night.
No, not just regular crying.
An hour and a half of full body sobbing, curled up in the fetal position with my koala bear from when I was 11, going through half a box of ultra strong Puffs, body wrenching so hard I had to make myself stop before I threw up.
Why, you may ask?
My life is awesome. I have wonderful best friends, amazing people in my life, my daughter is healthy, my bank account is full from selling my car, I live in a fun city with tons to do, I’m in a powerful turning point with my business.
My life is stressful. I’m in the middle of some personal development work that’s bringing up demons from the deep. My best friends live time zones away, and I miss hugs, hanging out, random goings out for coffee. My daughter had a brain tumor removed in July, and I feel guilty for still being upset because she’s better and I should be over it by now. My life is expensive, even without a car. I miss quiet, I miss travel, I miss the ocean, I miss the mountains. My business is at a critical point, with an impossible to do list and only me.
But that’s not what’s wrong.
I wasn’t crying about the laundry list of stressful events and to do’s and circumstances of my life. Not really.
It was the damn voice in my head.
That voice that tells me …
You’re alone. You have to do everything yourself. You’re never going to get it done. You’re doing it wrong. You’re not doing what you should do. You’re not being how you should be. They don’t really like you. They are disappointed in you.
You’re fat. The house is a disgusting mess. You’re screwing up your kid. The business will go under. The post office is pissed off at you. You can’t even keep a pedicure going. You don’t even have all your hard drives backed up.
You’re never going to be good enough. You always do it wrong. You’re behind. You’re failing at everything. You’ve already failed. You’re going to fail. You’ll always be alone. You’re doing it wrong.
You are a bad person.
That voice in my head is so mean.
I was texting (of course) during this episode. And the wonderful person I was texting responded: “There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful, intelligent. You are capable, sexy, and worthy. You are a great person. Any feelings to the contrary are not true.”
And that’s the point.
That voice in my head is a lier.
The Ideal Woman, who I can never live up to.
Who haunts everything with her mantras: I’m not perfect, that no matter what I do I will fail, that I’m never good enough.
Man, she’s a real bitch, eh?
But I was not in a place last night to discuss her aggression issues with her.
So instead I crawled in bed with an entire pan of homemade brownies and my MacBook playing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I lived in someone else’s fantasy world of supernatural calamities. Ate a large quantity of chocolately sugary goodness. And collapsed asleep.
And now, this morning, after putting meaning to my angst by writing this blog post and after a long telephone discussion with said texter, I feel like myself again.
And the Ideal Woman has retreated to her corner. Defeated for one more night.
So perhaps that’s my take away for today.
That bitch in the corner attacks when we’re already down.
Emotionally exposed from personal development work. Having a bad day. Stressed out from a big launch. Overwhelmed by lots of people and to do’s.
And sometimes the only way to defeat the her is to give yourself what you need to process her crap and to let her go.
With crying, laughing, texting, talking. With sex, adventure, dancing, long walks. With Harry Potter, brownies, and a good night’s sleep.
Do you have a voice in your head that’s criticizing you, that finds you unworthy or inadequate, who is putting you down, finding you (or what you do) imperfect?
How do you deal with that voice?