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Harry Potter, Brownies, and the Bitch in the Corner

By on September 7, 2010 in Living Your Truth

I cried for 90 minutes last night.

No, not just regular crying.

An hour and a half of full body sobbing, curled up in the fetal position with my koala bear from when I was 11, going through half a box of ultra strong Puffs, body wrenching so hard I had to make myself stop before I threw up.

Why, you may ask?

Nothing happened.

Everything happened.

My life is awesome. I have wonderful best friends, amazing people in my life, my daughter is healthy, my bank account is full from selling my car, I live in a fun city with tons to do, I’m in a powerful turning point with my business.

My life is stressful. I’m in the middle of some personal development work that’s bringing up demons from the deep. My best friends live time zones away, and I miss hugs, hanging out, random goings out for coffee. My daughter had a brain tumor removed in July, and I feel guilty for still being upset because she’s better and I should be over it by now. My life is expensive, even without a car. I miss quiet, I miss travel, I miss the ocean, I miss the mountains. My business is at a critical point, with an impossible to do list and only me.

But that’s not what’s wrong.

I wasn’t crying about the laundry list of stressful events and to do’s and circumstances of my life. Not really.

It was the damn voice in my head.

That voice that tells me …

You’re alone. You have to do everything yourself. You’re never going to get it done. You’re doing it wrong. You’re not doing what you should do. You’re not being how you should be. They don’t really like you. They are disappointed in you.

You’re fat. The house is a disgusting mess. You’re screwing up your kid. The business will go under. The post office is pissed off at you. You can’t even keep a pedicure going. You don’t even have all your hard drives backed up.

You’re never going to be good enough. You always do it wrong. You’re behind. You’re failing at everything. You’ve already failed. You’re going to fail. You’ll always be alone. You’re doing it wrong.

You are a bad person.

That voice in my head is so mean.

I was texting (of course) during this episode. And the wonderful person I was texting responded: “There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful, intelligent. You are capable, sexy, and worthy. You are a great person. Any feelings to the contrary are not true.”

And that’s the point.

That voice in my head is a lier.

The Ideal Woman, who I can never live up to.

Who haunts everything with her mantras: I’m not perfect, that no matter what I do I will fail, that I’m never good enough.

Man, she’s a real bitch, eh?

But I was not in a place last night to discuss her aggression issues with her.

So instead I crawled in bed with an entire pan of homemade brownies and my MacBook playing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I lived in someone else’s fantasy world of supernatural calamities. Ate a large quantity of chocolately sugary goodness. And collapsed asleep.

And now, this morning, after putting meaning to my angst by writing this blog post and after a long telephone discussion with said texter, I feel like myself again.

And the Ideal Woman has retreated to her corner. Defeated for one more night.

So perhaps that’s my take away for today.

That bitch in the corner attacks when we’re already down.

Emotionally exposed from personal development work. Having a bad day. Stressed out from a big launch. Overwhelmed by lots of people and to do’s.

And sometimes the only way to defeat the her is to give yourself what you need to process her crap and to let her go.

With crying, laughing, texting, talking. With sex, adventure, dancing, long walks. With Harry Potter, brownies, and a good night’s sleep.

–

Do you have a voice in your head that’s criticizing you, that finds you unworthy or inadequate, who is putting you down, finding you (or what you do) imperfect?

How do you deal with that voice?

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  • Lily

    Good for you Elizabeth! You’re helping me feel free to relax, do the same and not feel guilty about it when those mean voices attack (daily). I don’t know how to deal with my voice that well yet, but I decided to start having fun running my business or quit. The negativity and frustration isn’t worth the bad way it’s spilling into my marriage, which I’d like to keep.

  • JackiYo

    I knew it. You’re in my head. This confirms it.

  • Lily

    Good for you Elizabeth! You're helping me feel free to relax, do the same and not feel guilty about it when those mean voices attack (daily). I don't know how to deal with my voice that well yet, but I decided to start having fun running my business or quit. The negativity and frustration isn't worth the bad way it's spilling into my marriage, which I'd like to keep.

  • JackiYo

    I knew it. You're in my head. This confirms it.

  • http://twitter.com/blacksburgbelle April Bowles Olin

    Everybody has that voice. If they say they don’t, they’re lying. Even the people “who know better” like myself that have studied psychology and social work and are licensed therapists who help other people deal with their inner critic, struggle with it.

    Sometimes, I’m able to tell my voice to shut the hell up. Other times he {yes, my voice is a he} defeats me. It depends on all the other circumstances going on in my life at that time.

  • http://twitter.com/blacksburgbelle April Bowles Olin

    Everybody has that voice. If they say they don't, they're lying. Even the people “who know better” like myself that have studied psychology and social work and are licensed therapists who help other people deal with their inner critic, struggle with it.

    Sometimes, I'm able to tell my voice to shut the hell up. Other times he {yes, my voice is a he} defeats me. It depends on all the other circumstances going on in my life at that time.

  • http://momeomagazine.com/ Carla Young

    For starters, that bitch is a total liar — you are a fantastic, powerful, extraordinary woman.

    Thank you for sharing what we all face as we step out on the ledge and do something that scares the pants off of us. The little voice that dredges up all our secret fears!

    That’s why we all need to surround ourselves with amazing people (ahem).

  • http://momeomagazine.com/ Carla Young

    For starters, that bitch is a total liar — you are a fantastic, powerful, extraordinary woman.

    Thank you for sharing what we all face as we step out on the ledge and do something that scares the pants off of us. The little voice that dredges up all our secret fears!

    That's why we all need to surround ourselves with amazing people (ahem).

  • http://www.bundlesofenergy.com Jenn Champagne

    It is nice to know that someone who I feel has it all together and figured out, doesn’t quite have it all figured out either…

  • Catherine

    I think we all have those mean, bitchy, critical, perfectionist voices in our head. The big question is how to turn down the volume and turn up the voice that tell you the truth about yourself – the Wise Voice, I call her. Thanks for being so real. I think you really expressed what’s it’s like when we get overwhelmed by the negative crap.

  • http://www.bundlesofenergy.com Jenn Champagne

    It is nice to know that someone who I feel has it all together and figured out, doesn't quite have it all figured out either…

  • Catherine

    I think we all have those mean, bitchy, critical, perfectionist voices in our head. The big question is how to turn down the volume and turn up the voice that tell you the truth about yourself – the Wise Voice, I call her. Thanks for being so real. I think you really expressed what's it's like when we get overwhelmed by the negative crap.

  • Dave

    Hello Elizabeth,
    Just found your blog today, don’t really understand your business, it’s amazing that your little girl is well again, I’ve gotten heaps from the first two posts I’ve read, and just thought that i should say you ARE amazing, doubtless very sexy, and that you and your friends are going to be stronger than the bitch forever.
    She’s a liar and you’re hot.

  • Dave

    Hello Elizabeth,

    Just found your blog today, don't really understand your business, it's amazing that your little girl is well again, I've gotten heaps from the first two posts I've read, and just thought that i should say you ARE amazing, doubtless very sexy, and that you and your friends are going to be stronger than the bitch forever.

    She's a liar and you're hot.

  • jennyfenig

    I love this post, Elizabeth. Your “bitch” is my “hammer”, my inner critic, my gremlin, the voice that tells me I’ll never be good enough no matter how hard I try.

    I too work to make peace with this voice on a regular basis … and to remember I’m not the voice. I’m me, imperfections and all. And I love me. And I love the voice in that it keeps me real, keeps me vulnerable and keeps me truckin’ … and tapped into sheer faith that my life is unfolding exactly as it’s “supposed” to.

    Keep sharing your gift … your words are a treasure!

  • jennyfenig

    I love this post, Elizabeth. Your “bitch” is my “hammer”, my inner critic, my gremlin, the voice that tells me I'll never be good enough no matter how hard I try.

    I too work to make peace with this voice on a regular basis … and to remember I'm not the voice. I'm me, imperfections and all. And I love me. And I love the voice in that it keeps me real, keeps me vulnerable and keeps me truckin' … and tapped into sheer faith that my life is unfolding exactly as it's “supposed” to.

    Keep sharing your gift … your words are a treasure!

  • http://www.grassrootsmarketing.ca Patricia Simoneau

    Oh Elizabeth, that bitch lives in my head too! I think we ALL have one. And I have also had those ‘crying so hard I could puke’ episodes. And when I have one I do much like you do… eat (or don’t) what I want, comfort myself, crawl into bed, play mind-numbing stupid games, and get a good sleep. Daylight does bring a whole new perspective.

    You are doing SO AWESOME!! And even tho’ you don’t hear from me lots, know I am in your corner cheering you on.

    And if you want, I’ll send my bitch after your bitch to kick her ass.

  • http://www.grassrootsmarketing.ca Patricia Simoneau

    Oh Elizabeth, that bitch lives in my head too! I think we ALL have one. And I have also had those 'crying so hard I could puke' episodes. And when I have one I do much like you do… eat (or don't) what I want, comfort myself, crawl into bed, play mind-numbing stupid games, and get a good sleep. Daylight does bring a whole new perspective.

    You are doing SO AWESOME!! And even tho' you don't hear from me lots, know I am in your corner cheering you on.

    And if you want, I'll send my bitch after your bitch to kick her ass. < L >

  • Alessandra

    Embrace her. Face her. Call her out on her sh*t. Most of all, remember – that fierce, ruthless bitch in your head is a facet of you, a powerful one at that. She´s the one that pushes through any and all obstacles. You rock, get your big B on, but be careful when you let her out.

  • Alessandra

    Oh, she´s an animal in bed too.

  • Alessandra

    Embrace her. Face her. Call her out on her sh*t. Most of all, remember – that fierce, ruthless bitch in your head is a facet of you, a powerful one at that. She´s the one that pushes through any and all obstacles. You rock, get your big B on, but be careful when you let her out.

  • Alessandra

    Oh, she´s an animal in bed too.

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  • http://www.refermyhomebiz.com Ypadgett

    Wow! We are all really more alike than we imagine huh. I’ve been struggling with that bitch all summer…you had some real issues to deal with this summer…and me, not so much….yet the bitch is still there. Plus, I feel you are WAY more entitled to feel this way than me…but yet, I too struggle, argh!!!!

  • http://www.refermyhomebiz.com Ypadgett

    Wow! We are all really more alike than we imagine huh. I've been struggling with that bitch all summer…you had some real issues to deal with this summer…and me, not so much….yet the bitch is still there. Plus, I feel you are WAY more entitled to feel this way than me…but yet, I too struggle, argh!!!!

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