feeling happy and other weird things

It’s weird to feel kind of overall happy.

Not that my life is perfect. Not that I’ve solved the current set of problems. Or that I suddenly know what I’m doing. Or that much outwardly has changed.

My happy is about letting go.

Letting go of preconceived notions of who I defined myself to be. Of my capabilities. Of what scares me. Of being in control. Of trying to solve all of the problems myself.

My happy is about feeling hints of the big picture.

That Live Your Truth, acceptance, INFJ, feminine/masculine, the various things that I’ve identified with over the last few years are not me. They are just pieces of me.

That there is something bigger – something that perhaps I can’t really know the details of yet because I’d freak out – that is me, that is all of me. And these various projects and problems are the skills and lessons and growing that I need to get me ready for that big all of me thing.

It’s weird to be happy, when I don’t have any more information or certainty about how things will work out.

You know, I thought that happiness was something you got when you got to there.

When you got the answer. When you got the things, the relationships, the enlightenments, the successes, the transformation. Then you also got the happy.

But … perhaps happiness is something you have when you just let yourself be here.

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