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From Outside the Mommy Wars

By on July 24, 2007 in Life

Sad that as moms we are not always united as sisters, but there can be a real division & resentment between the working moms and the stay at home moms.  Brought on by secret guilt (even for those moms who don’t believe it’s true) … these working moms feel guilty for not spending as much time with their kids, and these stay at home moms feel guilty for not bringing in money, or for abandoning their careers.  So, they accuse each other of being inadequate women/parents.

Of course, not all working moms or stay at home moms feel this way – most don’t, I’m sure.  Most of us are perfectly comfortable with each woman making her own choices, and mostly comfortable with our own choices, and we stay out of any nasty fights — and even support each other!  But there are a few outspoken women who assume their choices are the only "Right" choices for everyone.

But where do we fit in?  The work at home moms?  Or even my subset, the work at home moms who opt for part time childcare?  Am I in the stay at home camp, because I am at home?  Am I in the working camp, because I have a business? 

I find that I am in neither.  When I tried to find a play date group for me and Gracie, I did not fit in.  The stay at home moms didn’t understand why I had part time childcare or why I sometimes had a meeting.  The working moms wanted to do everything in the evenings or on the weekends, which I like to save for family time.  From both camps I would get a lot of "It Must Be Nice" statements — as if being self-employed just fell into my lap from the WAHM fairy.  I always felt weird.  Maybe that was just my problem … but I find that I fit in more online with other self-employed moms, than any mom groups around here in the offline world. 

Have you all had this problem?  Where do you fit — or do you also find that you are in a separate category?  Have you ever found a good playdate group? 

 

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  • http://www.mommy-inc.com Shannon Cherry

    It’s so silly that the media is hyping this up and they do forget the option mom’s have: to create their own businesses and work for themselves.

    Even Fast Company talked about the mommy wars in the latest issue, so I wrote a letter to the editor, which has been approved to be published in an upcoming issue. I basically said they missed the point, since moms are creating more businesses than any other group.

  • http://www.mom2momlounge.com/blog Bee

    ahh that devious wahm fairy obvously forget all your friends! Seriously. The mommy wars are ridiculous. Moms should all support one another regardless of whether they work or not. And there are other choices, like working from home. I have found that people just don’t get it. There are great WAHM communities online, but in the “real world” people just don’t get what I do and my “little business” is a joke a hobby. They think it’s cute I take it seriously. I think WAHM’s need to speak up and show there are other choices available to moms who want to contribute to their fmaily income, but also stay home and raise their kids.

  • Da Mama

    I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, full-time working mom and am now a part-time working mom. I hated working full time while my 2 oldest daughters were babies. It tore me up when daughter #2 learned to walk at day-care. We moved from San Diego to rural Northern California so I could stay home with my kids. We had 2 more, and now that 3 are in college and 1 is in high school, I work part time.

    I worked full-time because we couldn’t make ends meet. My heart aches for any mom in the same situation. What I have a problem with is women who work 40-50 hours a week so they can have a better house, better car, fancier clothes. Kids are a responsibility, not a hobby. We don’t own our own home, we haven’t bought a new car in 25 years, and we shop at WalMart and online. We will be able to buy our first home in the next few years once some of my kids leave the nest. It’s been worth it to wait.

    Sacrifice is essential in parenting. Yes it is imperative that you have “me” time and date your husband so your kids see a healthy marriage relationship. We only have our kids for a short time – they grow up so fast! Moms and dads need to be there during the formative years. There is plenty of time for new cars and new furniture after they are older.

  • http://www.anonymous-bosh.blogspot.com Hieronymus

    I applaud mompreneurs! A great way to find fulfillment, add income, and yet stay connected with the family.

    But I suspect the author of over-compensating with regard to “fair and balanced” reporting. She writes: “[W]orking moms feel guilty for not spending as much time with their kids, and these stay at home moms feel guilty for not bringing in money, or for abandoning their careers.”

    In my various fields, I have known only two types of professional women (stipulations: with children, at the office). The first are those who, at some point, confess to feeling guilty (ironically, especially those with the means to provide a full-time nanny). Mind you: I do not ask (I never ask any gender-related questions in an office setting), but it somehow comes up. A Senior VP (with high-powered lawyer hubby, full-on nanny, private schools for the children) said, “of course I feel guilty…”

    The second type? Those who left work to stay at home.

    (The third type–the momepreneurs–are, by definition, not in the office…)

    Oh, so where is the writer potentially disingenuous? When she writes of the stay-at-home moms who feel guilty…

    Bosh! I have never met a stay-at-home mom who stated any such guilt. I *have* met moms who confess to stress, e.g., “my husband keeps asking when I am going back to work,” which, I suppose, could be interpreted as guilt. (I have been called in for a hubby-to-hubby now and again, explaining the man’s purpose in the whole marriage thing…)

    [Note: for those who choose career over children--no problem; credit given where due. However, full-time career and parenting just. don't. mix.]

    Women & children first! Keep up the good work.

  • http://www.thewealthspa.com Elizabeth Potts Weinstein

    Thanks to everyone for their comments! I love hearing from you!

    Bee – yes, the “mommy wars” may be more of a press-thing than something really between women. There is a real perception in the non-internet world that we are not doing “real” businesses, since we do not have a formal office.

    Da Mama – congrats on figuring out how to make working part-time work in your family. Yes, everything is a choice, and by definition, no matter what you choose, you are giving something up — so the secret is figuring out your priorities.

    Hieronymus – I do know stay at home moms who feel guilty, and worried about their choices, so I was not just saying that in the context of being fair and balanced. :) But I do take issue with your statement that the only professional women are those who go to an office. I run a financial planning firm and a law firm from home, and my clients do not regard me as unprofessional, nor do I see myself that way. Perhaps you did not mean that, perhaps you were just defining how you were referring to working outside the home? In that case, yes, women who work outside the home with kids in some sort of child care are a particular group.

    Until next time,
    Elizabeth

  • http://nonerightnow Fiona

    I have to say that I think being in a camp is silly. We all make choices about our lives that fit our very different and individual needs. I think if a mom needs to work full time or just wants to work full time, then she should. If a mom wants to stay at home and can afford that option, then she should. Quite frankly, there are stay at home moms who spend less quality time with their kids than moms who work full time. TIME is not the entire issue here, I think it is a combination of factors. Where is mom going to be most happy? How is mom going to be the best person she can be? Because if she stays at home and resents it, her kids will know, and she is not being the best mom she can be. And if she works and resents it, then the time she does have will likely be tainted with resentment or guilt or both. Probably most moms don’t fall into a particular camp anyway – most of us have memberships in all the camps throughout the lives of our children, sometimes at home, sometimes at work, but always busy! I tend to believe that this stay at home mom vs. working mom feud is largely fueled by media hype and attended mostly by the crackpots that seem to always be at the bottom of these ridiculous spats. Most moms know we are all just trying to do the best we can for our children and families in the best way we know how. Besides, there are thousands of different ways to raise kids and raise them well – I like my way and am in no position to begrudge another mom her way. Viva La Mama Mafia!

  • http://maryannaville.blogspot.com Saboma

    Sincerely speaking, I am greatly impressed with the huge amount of topics being posted and am sure to be sending others who are dealing with these issues.

    Thanks ever so much for joining Blogging To Fame and getting yourself and this well written out blog into BTF’s networking group. I will be reading up on your posts from my Google reader and will be dropping in now and again just to say howdy doo even if that’s all I can manage to dredge up but I’ll forwarn you, I’m a magpie once I get going, teehee!

    *Hugs*

  • http://momsmakemoney.weebly.com Stay at Home Moms Make Money Online

    Thank you for the wonderful tips!

    I truly believe that moms at home can find success making money online!

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