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The Truth I'm Not Speaking (Updated)

By on May 31, 2010 in Living Your Truth

(btw, I updated this post upon the light of day and an important skype conversation.)

One week from today is the anniversary of me deciding to live my truth.

As I reflect on that journey over the last year, on what I’m writing and creating and my role in bringing this work to the world, I realized what’s been nagging me the last few months.

I’m not speaking the cutting edge of my personal exploration of my truth.

I created boundaries in the speaking of my truth that are meant to protect the sacred. To free me to explore relationships and care for my loved ones, in a place protected from examination from the outside world, so we have the space to be 100% ourselves.

I am still committed to providing that safe place for those people in my life.

But I’m not hiding out there anymore.

So here’s tonight’s confession that freaks me out to come out and say.

I’ve never been sure about monogamy.

Now, I’m all about serial monogamy.

I know I’m not built to sleep with more than one man at a time. I’ve never cheated in a relationship (which, in shock to me, is apparently a rare thing). Even in a casual dating or best-friends-with-benefits relationship, I get all dramafied if I have more than one going on. That’s where my most crazy comes from.

I’m everything or nothing.

What I’ve never been sure about is this forever thing.

Is it possible for two dynamic, ever-changing, self-aware people to grow together for the rest of their lives?

To stay together without falling into mediocrity, without one person (or both) compromising their truth, their growth, just to stay on the journey with the other?

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I’m recently divorced, and so many of my closest friends are either single-never-married, recently divorced or having marital problems.

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I’m in a radically high-growth, discovering my truth place in my life, and I’ll start evening out eventually.

Yes, maybe I feel this way because I haven’t recognized the guy for me yet.

But the thing is, I’ve always thought forever was bizarre.

When I was a little girl, regardless of the goals of my barbie dolls, I never dreamed about a country club wedding.

I’ve had many long term boyfriends, but I didn’t plan on marrying any of them. For me, at least, it was about spending time together and learning from each other, until our time was up.

I don’t expect to have the exact same best friends for the rest of my life – our friendships will evolve as we grow, as our life situations change. Some best friends morph into close friends. New people appear so we can learn and grow from each other.

But somehow I’m supposed to be with just one man?

Is it possible for a man to see the real truth of who I am, the woman I am evolving into, something I don’t even quite understand yet myself?

Is it possible for me to know if I’m capable of fulfilling everything a man needs from his partner, for the rest of his life?

Is forever just another cultural “should” that I don’t have to buy into?

Or … am I just being chicken shit?

Is being completely vulnerable, taking that ultimate risk of letting another human all the way in, past that last wall that has always stayed up …

… is that the pushing of my boundaries I must do to discover my truth?

Is the potential of forever a necessary step in the evolution of my soul?

#thingsthatwillbecontinued #obviously

—-

Update –> P.S. This post was written at 1 AM. And it was exactly how I felt at the time, and how I’ve been feeling for years.

But it’s not exactly the truth.

This morning my resident caller of bullshit Ken Moorhead skyped me his reaction to this post.

And he was right.

This post is how I feel, but it’s a lie. A lie I’m telling to myself.

I’m scared of getting my heart broken over and over, broken in that profound way that only happens if you’re looking for forever.

It’s much easier to lose faith, to hide behind “forever is not reasonable” – than to open myself up to receive what might be possible.

And be disappointed.

As I read this post, I realize that my soul did not write it – it was written by that chickenshit part of me who wants to keep me small & safe.

So, fuck all that.

The truth is I do want forever.

Eventually. Even though I really can’t deal with it right now. The truth is I do believe it’s possible.

And the truth is that I’m willing to do the work and take the risks to find it. Or be open to it finding me.

#thatisall

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  • MissMandie

    I want to echo the sentiments made by @jackie walker (Loving with an open heart in the moment is the only time you are given), @allison kramer (Today is what we have. If you spend today where you want to be, forever just happens) and @sally g (Forever is a concept that lifts us out of the only moment in time that truly exists … and that is NOW).

    I agree with them – thinking about forever is a projection of thought into the future and it detaches us from the present moment. To give fully and openly to another human being in the only moment we have is the most beautiful gift we can share with one another. The openness of this sharing is made even more amazing when we can sit with the concept that we don't know how long its going to last. We can have all the positive intentions in the world for it to last our lifetime but the truth is, we will never, ever have a way of knowing what will happen. Loving and giving and sharing in spite of that is what transcends our relationships into the soulful experiences they all have the opportunity of being.

    I, too, am divorced with a post-divorce heartbreak notched up. Having spent an incredible amount of time reflecting and “working on my stuff”, I am growing into the person I want to be in order to attract the type of person I want to journey with next. One thing I have noticed, is that watching my life unfold is made all the more easier without thinking about the abstract concepts of “time” (e.g. when will I meet him? how long is it going to last?). Yep, it comes back to that whole “lovin' the present moment”.

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    that's interesting, I think of intuition and my heart as the same thing, as both coming from my soul … and they both do, but are different manifestations of myself. my heart is a bit more nuts. ;-)

    and, thank you so much jackie, I'm so happy you find that about this blog.

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    yes, Ori, I do plan to be calling you at 11 pm pacific in 40 years as I'm walking the streets of whatever city/town/country I live in, with whatever is whorlying through my mind at the time.

    I still do think there is truth. But it's my truth, not *the* truth, not everyone's truth. :-)

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    “Forever exists one moment at a time” <– yes.

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    thank you so much michelle, that's lovely to hear, glad I could be that for you. :)

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    I find it very interesting that my many of my friends in same-sex committed relationships so want to be legally married. And I'm like, why, you guys seem to have a relationship that is amazing and committed and what does marriage really mean, how will that make any difference? (especially here in California where same-sex domestic partners have the same rights as married couples, except for tax stuff and federal government stuff).

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    damn straight. ken needs to get on replicating himself. ;-)

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    That's so awesome Wendy, and you're not the first person in a long term relationship who has said that to me. And it gives me faith. :-)

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    “Screw it, let's do it.”

    now I have relationships where I've been speaking my truth from the beginning. which is unbelievable – to have people who want to be with me, when they actually know the real me.

    sometimes I chicken out and it takes me a while to speak my truth. but I eventually do – and it's scary and horrible and awesome and amazing. there is nothing more challenging than speaking the truth to someone I love and who I want to love me back … but the only way they love the real me, is for me to actually be the real me. #scary

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    Carolina – yes, I'm also glad that both sides of me made it into this post … it really helps me to read/hear both of those voices of myself, so I can look at them objectively for what they both are.

    And yes, there's nothing more contradictory and complicated than the mind of a human being. :-)

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    wow that sounds scary. and you know, now at the old age of 35 ;-) I feel so differently about marriage and forever than I did at 25.

    I think that many people who are young feel so romantic and optimistic about it because that's in our genes … if humans feel romantic & hormone-y about it then it's much more likely we'll all get together & make babies and keep the human race going. ;-)

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    “Now, I'm married to someone who I'd have taken for one single day, just to know that she'd loved me for one day.” <– that's beautiful. and maybe that's the idea, it's about living in the now. and now is only one day. at a time, at least.

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    I think the growing apart comes from one (or two) people who don't really know themselves and/or who were not being their real selves when they originally got together. Then when one or both discover who they really are, they have to decide – do they keep pretending to be that version of themselves they were unintentionally pretending to be back then? Or do they be who they truly are?

  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    “The openness of this sharing is made even more amazing when we can sit with the concept that we don't know how long its going to last.” <– yes, taking that risk with another human being creates a delicious, amazing space to share with them.

  • http://www.yaheesplace.etsy.com Yahee

    I've been there. However, 7 years ago I found someone that changed my mind. Someone that is worth the work and risk… someone that thinks I'm worth the work and risk too. Here's to finding your truth… whether It's a solo or a dynamic duo.

  • http://www.discoverthedspot.com laura

    woohoo baby! you ROCK!!!!

    i have dedicated my life, as you know, to supporting women as they make these really hard decisions and come to terms with their TRUTH and navigate the choppy waters during and after divorce.

    having been there myself, i know EXACTLY what you are writing about….and, i spent about four years after my divorce “exploring” all kinds of men and relationships so that i could define with confidence what my “ideal” relationship would be! each date, experience and journey got me closer to what i truly wanted. i gained such clarity on what i wanted it to look, feel and be like, that i was absolutely ready when he entered my life.

    like you, i am not sure how i feel about “forever” or that walking down an aisle makes it “meant to be”….but i do know that i want to spend the forseable forever with my partner.

    we are together almost three years, i never imagined this is the man i would end up with or that i could experience such romantic bliss.

    it was a hard and long road to get to today, even with him. you know…two ex-spouses, four kids, two jobs, a business and a dog between us…not easy to keep everyone happy! but, i am having the time of my life.

    and guess what, we have absolutely no plan for marriage but are committed in a way that i have never felt!

    you have faced your fear and you are doing it anyway…you are NOW ready!

    i am here for you, as i am for all women (and men) who want to face their truth and enormous courage it takes to love blindly and deeply! a huge risk, but the even greater return!

    you ROCK elizabeth and i am proud to know such a brave, bold and beautiful woman!

  • http://alidavies.com/ Ali Davies

    Forever is possible. Anything is possible. You just have to decide what you want in your life and NEVER lose the faith that you can make it happen. Some people have wonderful forever relationships. Some don’t. You choose which camp you want to be in. Become a researcher – what are the traits, behaviours and habits of those with successful forever relationships.
    I used to think I would never find a forever relationship. Then I realised it was my limiting beliefs that were created my reality. Limiting belief changed – reality changed. I stopped looking and just got busy living. Hubby turned up when I least expected it. We are now 12 years on and I can honestly say the relationship is deeper now than it has ever been. I have discovered that growing together is a choice.
    You become what you surround yourself with – surround yourself with the forever brigade.
    Avoid the dream stealers – their opinions are based on their own limiting beliefs and experiences.
    Hold the dream.

  • http://alidavies.com/ Ali Davies

    Forever is possible. Anything is possible. You just have to decide what you want in your life and NEVER lose the faith that you can make it happen. Some people have wonderful forever relationships. Some don't. You choose which camp you want to be in. Become a researcher – what are the traits, behaviours and habits of those with successful forever relationships.
    I used to think I would never find a forever relationship. Then I realised it was my limiting beliefs that were created my reality. Limiting belief changed – reality changed. I stopped looking and just got busy living. Hubby turned up when I least expected it. We are now 12 years on and I can honestly say the relationship is deeper now than it has ever been. I have discovered that growing together is a choice.
    You become what you surround yourself with – surround yourself with the forever brigade.
    Avoid the dream stealers – their opinions are based on their own limiting beliefs and experiences.
    Hold the dream.

  • http://twitter.com/delwilliams Del Williams

    This makes sense. Who really wants to admit they don’t want to be hurt again? Have you considered that for now as you have just gotten out of marriage, and going through a personal growth time, that perhaps right now “forever” may not be where YOU are at right now. Maybe this is time to get to know YOU without all the relationship stuff. When the time is right, I think you will find your forever.

  • http://twitter.com/delwilliams Delores Williams

    This makes sense. Who really wants to admit they don't want to be hurt again? Have you considered that for now as you have just gotten out of marriage, and going through a personal growth time, that perhaps right now “forever” may not be where YOU are at right now. Maybe this is time to get to know YOU without all the relationship stuff. When the time is right, I think you will find your forever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debramarrs Debra Marrs

    I realize I’m late in chiming in here, EPW, but I’m really in synch with your original post. While the updated version holds merit for a possibility too, the points you made about being able to continue to grow, to continue to live YOUR truth, not his, are valid and what I believe too. I say this because of what you say (and I agree with too) about best friends evolving, and how those relationships shift accordingly. Why, then, if a man is your best friend, life partner, or marriage partner wouldn’t the same theory hold true. Perhaps it’s the word monogamy that trips us up. Being with those who see me for who I am and honor me being just me unconditionally while living my BEST life. I don’t believe in Forever either. I believe in today. Just today. LOVE how you bring up these topics for discourse! Great stuff and YOU are too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/debramarrs Debra Marrs

    I realize I'm late in chiming in here, EPW, but I'm really in synch with your original post. While the updated version holds merit for a possibility too, the points you made about being able to continue to grow, to continue to live YOUR truth, not his, are valid and what I believe too. I say this because of what you say (and I agree with too) about best friends evolving, and how those relationships shift accordingly. Why, then, if a man is your best friend, life partner, or marriage partner wouldn't the same theory hold true. Perhaps it's the word monogamy that trips us up. Being with those who see me for who I am and honor me being just me unconditionally while living my BEST life. I don't believe in Forever either. I believe in today. Just today. LOVE how you bring up these topics for discourse! Great stuff and YOU are too.

  • http://twitter.com/jimboknows jimboknows

    Why does this question have to have a black-and-white answer? Our beliefs and values today change over time. Perhaps a life commitment isn’t in your DNA at the moment — that doesn’t mean it can’t be there five years from now. There’s nothing chickenscratch about speaking your truth as it is today — you just aren’t sure about “forever” relationships with a single partner.

    Relax. Close your eyes. Breathe. Be aware that where you are right now is not your final destination.

  • http://twitter.com/jimboknows jimboknows

    Why does this question have to have a black-and-white answer? Our beliefs and values today change over time. Perhaps a life commitment isn't in your DNA at the moment — that doesn't mean it can't be there five years from now. There's nothing chickenscratch about speaking your truth as it is today — you just aren't sure about “forever” relationships with a single partner.

    Relax. Close your eyes. Breathe. Be aware that where you are right now is not your final destination.

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