The Illusion of Security and the Uncertainty of the Real

It’s 2:14 AM and I just cleaned my bathroom. Folded the laundry. Tidied the top of my desk.

Because I woke up from a nightmare depicting what I most worried about in one of my relationships.

Setting me off into a sleepless whirlybrain about love and friendship and the future and money and business and motherhood and stuff and my never-ending to do list.

It comes down to this.

When I stepped off the road of employment and marriage and a house in the suburbs, I abandoned the illusion of security that is the shoulds.

I have no idea what I should do. What you should be doing. What I should think. Who I should believe. What program I should launch. What opportunity I should choose. What I should spend money on. Who I should pick to be with me.

I have chosen relationships and a business and a life that are undefined by external standards.

There is nothing objective to judge my life against.

The only measurement is whether it works for me.

Whether I feel challenged and ecstatic and cared for and supported. Whether I’m fulfilled and growing and excited about life. Whether I’m empowered. Whether I’m happy. Whether I’m changing my corner of the world.

Sounds all fun and adventurous in the afternoon sun, but at two in the morning, with no one to ask except twitter and a blank TextEdit document, I am wallowing in the angst of uncertainty.

The shoulds – they felt certain. They felt secure.

Because that’s how the shoulds are designed.

The shoulds are an unspoken agreement in our culture of how we should behave and what we should believe in and what we should want and where we should be going. To conform us to that standard. To control how we feel.

By default, we are opted into that standard. We learn to feel comfortable. Secure that we are doing the right things, feeling the right feelings, thinking the right thoughts. Easy, because we don’t have to decide for ourselves. We can sleepwalk our way through life.

Unless you decide to opt out of the illusion.

Unless you decide to get okay with being uncomfortable.

Unless you decide to live in the uncertainty of the real.

A real that is delicious, challenging, alive. Frustrating, confusing, heartbreaking. Beautiful, energizing, fun.

A real that is everything.

So when I lose faith at two in the morning, when I’m drifting in angst and the illusion of uncertainty, I write. I ask myself the difficult questions. I act on inspiration.

I remember to trust.

Trust in the real. Trust in me. Trust in you. Trust in my truth.

#thatisall