… and be free.

Because hiding behind an artifice of perfection is tiring.

Hiding drains my life energy until I have nothing left to give.

Hiding is a slow progression to death of my soul.

But there is this incessant voice inside my head who constantly judges me, who wants … no, who demands that I be perfect.

Or, at least that I appear to be perfect.

As if that is the only way to succeed.

The only way to get people to read my blog. To follow me on twitter. To buy my stuff.

As if that is the only way to get someone to love me.

Yet in a fundamental irony of life, the exact opposite is true.

Only by confessing my inadequacies, only by revealing the ways in which I deviate from the norm, only by letting out the part of myself that is my greatest fear to be shared … only then can profound, intimate connections be made with other like souls.

So here are some of the things I don’t want to confess to you.

I’m taking alimony.

I can’t afford this amazing apartment in San Francisco, to pay for groceries and clothes for my daughter and plane tickets and new furniture … completely on my own. Yet. Right now a majority of my living expenses are paid for via spousal & child support.

I hate that I’m taking this money. Feels like I’m a failure of feminism, that I’m one of the lame gold-diggerish women who live from ex-husband to ex-husband, instead of financing my own life. Feels like a failure as an entrepreneur, that my newly-profitable business doesn’t yet produce enough cash to support my live-your-truth life.

My secret plan is the very second my business can replace the alimony, I’m releasing my ex-husband of any future obligations.

And from then on, I will be financially independent. Never ask a man to support my life. Always keep money separate from love.

But until that day, this is how I pay a majority of my bills.

I have raised my voice to my child.

Two weeks ago I taught the preview upstream class for the 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth program with my 4 1/2 year old daughter in the house.

Now usually (always) when I teach a class, my daughter is with her dad, or in childcare, or being watched by another person … never in the house with me. But it was a national holiday that are not in my current awareness, meaning that childcare was not available. And I thought, oh, I’m sure she can be quiet for just an hour. And I discussed the situation with her and she agreed (the agreement of a 4 year old? yeah. exactly.).

It did not go well. And everyone listening to the ustream got to hear me get impatient with my daughter. Lovely.

The thing is, I’m an introvert living with an extrovert child. And as much as I need private time to recharge, physical space every day, to energize myself … she needs constant connection, she needs other humans who love and care about her, to energize herself.

And after 3 weeks of being together almost 24-7 … both of us were energy deprived.

So every time people say, oh, you’re such a great mom, look at what you are doing as a mompreneur, it’s so amazing how you balance your life … I am saying to myself, yeah, if you only knew. If you only knew when I stick a DVD in her iMac and shut the door to my bedroom to gain a few minutes of peace. How relieved I am to drop her off with her dad for the weekend so I can have 48 continuous hours to simply be myself.

There are women where being a mom is their calling in life, where they can raise a dozen children and spend 24-7 with them and play all the time and homeschool them and cook them organic food and never run out of hugs.

But that is not me. Sometimes, I am full out of hugs. And sometimes, I just need a freaking break.

I have not been doing my bookkeeping.

Remember how I’m a financial expert? How I teach that “Money Meetings” thing, where you look at your numbers every week, keep on top of your finances, track your marketing stats, use cash flow projections to make important decisions about your business?

Yeah. I agree with all that. I teach all that. But I don’t necessarily do all that.

I mean, I have done it. But the last few months, I’ve been running around on adventures and moving and launching new programs and various other stories I could tell blah blah blah, and stopped doing my weekly money meetings, and even stopped inputting stuff into my bookkeeping program.

Not that I don’t look at my numbers, but it’s random and not I’m tracking historical trends more than late night obsessions over my google analytics.

And … I’m still deciding what I think about that, whether the way I was teaching weekly money meetings (as useful as it is for many people) actually works for me.

I forget most of my marketing.

I have dozen of affiliates that I forget to tell about launches. The last two launch preview calls, I forgot to tell my list about it until 48 hours before. I don’t remember or have a place to track who makes special inquiries about which upcoming program. I rarely remember to follow up.

Doing guest posts has been on my to do list for 9 months. I am a guest on radio shows and teleclasses and get press, but I don’t know why or how they found me and I don’t follow up with them or seek out such opportunities.

I launch programs without any upsells to something afterwards. I don’t let anything get out of beta before I abandon it and move onto the next thing. I even launch free programs with no upsell to a paid program. Up until very recently, I neglected to have anything for sale on my website.

It’s a wonder I any money at all.

And if one of my clients was doing this, I would flip out at them.

This is something I’m working on, and I know (for the most part) what to do. But it’s important for me to let you know … just because I know something doesn’t mean I always do it.

My websites are completely screwed up.

So most of you are on my website right now (and for the few of you reading the RSS feed, go ahead, click through to my site) … and let me ask you a question — what do I do?

rflol.

Yeah, exactly. When people go to my website, they can’t tell what I do.

And that’s not the only thing that’s screwed up. There’s no picture of me in the header or anywhere above the fold. There’s not even a real header. Half the stuff in the sidebar is broken. There are 64 different links off my homepage. There’s no way to buy anything.

And don’t even get me started on my sales pages.

Everything is in one column because I did it all myself. Too much white space in random places. It’s almost impossible to find the buy links. The copy is probably way too long. I forgot to ask for testimonials and didn’t put in pictures or any borders around the testimonials I do have on there. There are no buttons or graphics or colors of any kind.

I’m going to launch a new website soon, and get all of those sales pages revamped. But, in the meanwhile, they are out there on the interwebz, completely screwed up.

I don’t answer all of your emails.

I preach connecting with your tribe, building relationships with your community. Making that your priority.

But I miss emails from you. I have dozens sitting in multiple inboxes and follow up queues on multiple computers. And I don’t think I’ll ever catch up. And I just can’t let go to delegate to an assistant or automate anything.

I miss your @ replies. I miss your DMs. I have thousands of stuff sitting in my Facebook message box.

Sometimes it’s because I’m overwhelmed with amazing replies and just can’t get to all of them. Sometimes it’s because I can’t decide what to respond, so I put it off until the situation resolves itself or the opportunity passes me by. And sometimes it’s because I’m chickening out on conflict.

So yeah, I need to figure out how to balance connection with freaking getting stuff done.

And those confession are just the start of everything I fear you could learn about me.

The hearts of men that I have broken. How I’ve texted while driving. The dirty dishes left in my sink. That I didn’t put up a Christmas tree this year. I can’t iron. I don’t play with my cat. My car is a mess. The mail is piled up. I don’t always recycle. I’ve deleted my entire website by accident. I’ve filed tax returns late.

And I feel so much better from writing this down. And posting it. And that you’re reading this right now.

Because the secret is … some of you will be offended or lose faith in me.

And you will leave. As you should, because we were never meant to be.

But some of you will stay.

And here’s the awesome, amazing, delicious thing … with you I get to be myself. And not only is that okay with you … that’s why you like me, for the whole of me, including those parts of myself that I was afraid to share.

So … what are you afraid to share with us?

What are you thinking and not saying? What are you hiding that is leaching energy and life away from you? Who can’t you tell? What are you not speaking?

But the business finally took off after the San Jose Mercury News published a wonderful feature about me in Summer 2004, and the biz had its first profitable months with an almost-full load of clients. Of course, that was just about the time we got pregnant (after we had stopped officially “trying” and had decided to put it off until my business was further along, lol).  

Four years ago today, after just 4 hours of easy labor (used hypnobirthing) and 45 minutes of intense-craziness at the end, Grace was born at 3:44 PM.  When we got home we went through the adventure of nursing with a girl who did not care about eating (and kept losing weight) until she was 4 1/2 weeks old.  She did sleep wonderfully (7 hrs at night at 5 weeks!) but could not stop moving — living in a sling, Baby Bjorn, swing, or Amby Motion Bed.  Her newborn quirks were a big shock to me. 

After those 7 weeks of intense newborn-dom, I came back from maternity leave to my business as a mom entrepreneur.

Phase 1:  Part-Time Nanny & Trading Hours for Dollars

After my daughter was born, I had fleeting thoughts of dropping my business and simply being a stay at home mom for a while (course, nothing simple in that, eh?).  But I did not feel finished with working, and frankly, I needed a break from my high-intensity, clingy daughter.  I needed grown up, intellectual stimulation.  And a situation where no one was trying to get inside my shirt.  

Since I was still seeing clients in person, I needed care for my daughter while I was working.  But day care did not seem like a good option for us, since I wanted to nurse her without pumping, and she was an always-needing-to-be-carried kind of kid.  And, face it, I wanted control over the situation and day care made me nervous.   So instead of getting on the (long) waiting list of a good day care, we opted for a part-time nanny.

We hired our wonderful nanny Sarah using Town & Country Resources nanny service.  She was more expensive than we had imagined, but she was unusually suited to us – she had a college degree, was working on her own floral design business, and had tons of nanny experience.  And, she enjoyed carrying Grace around in a sling for hours each day.  

My business went through a short post-maternity slump, because I had not been marketing or prospecting during my leave (ah, the days before online marketing).  But after a few months, I was back in business.  

Lesson Learned:  We must automate our marketing (via online marketing, eZine’s, auto-responders, etc.) to avoid slumps when life gets crazy. 

Phase 2:  The Nanny Turnstile & I’m Bored.

In Spring of 2006 I seriously thought about shutting down my business.  The business had plateaued.  And since I was bored, I did not want to pound the networking pavement to fill up the rest of my practice.  Heck, I didn’t want to fill up my practice – I resented spending time on clients.  As was not making enough money.

Instead of shutting down my practice, I hired two coaches – Kim Fulcher as my life coach and Kelly O’Neil as my marketing coach.  And gave my business another 6 months to turn around.  Kim helped me bring some balance and intention back to my life, and, for the first time, helped me find the beliefs about money and success that were keeping me in self-sabotage mode.  

Kelly kicked my butt in marketing, got me (scared and wining) to schedule my first teleclass series, and brainstormed with me to come up with the new name for my business, “The Wealth Spa.”  I started my first blog that August, and learned about Ali Brown & this whole information marketing thing.  My business world was getting interesting again.  

Then nanny Sarah went on maternity leave, so we were forced to hunt for new nannies.  We went through 4 nannies in 6 months (including a brief stint from Sarah who realized she wanted to be home with her own baby).  I can’t even tell you how many women we interviewed.  Gave offers that were too late, considered women who were less than optimal.  Then the last nanny worked for us for only 6 weeks until she gave her leave, and I was on search again.

Every time we were nanny-less I had to fight for solutions.  Backup daycare through my husband’s work was okay, but Grace always came home with a cold afterwards.  Working at home with her was okay for email but did not fly for client appointments.  When my parents were in town (from St. Louis, Missouri) they watched her so I could make client calls & teach a teleclass.  Course they could not make the 2000 mile commute more then for a vacation visit.  

Lesson Learned:  Before the breakthrough there is a breakdown – so welcome the breakdown, it means you’re ready to make a leap forward!  

Phase 3:  All Day Preschool & Projects, Teleclasses, Book, oh my!

After attending Ali Brown’s Online Success Blueprint Workshop in November 2006, I relaunched my eZine & website and my online business began to take off.  Raised my fees and standardized project fees (instead of hourly work), taking on a high caliber of clients. Started regular free teleclasses to build the email & mailing list, launched a viral movie w/ Scott Stratton’s Un-Marketing team (adding thousands to my list), and started hosting my radio show (back then on Voice America Business).  

Then in Spring of 2007, Ali Brown asked me to be part of her Platinum Mastermind program.  I freaked out when I got that voicemail – why was she calling me?  What did she see in me that I did not see (yet)? I knew her program was a huge financial and time commitment.  But at that moment I decided to get serious about taking my business to the next level, and I knew I needed that financial commitment and a mastermind team to hold me accountable.  I took the jump in faith.

Meanwhile, when Grace turned two I decided to put her in an all-day preschool (and day care) program.  The theory was if I was going to get serious about my business, I needed more time.  (And my secret theory was when my business took off, I would be able to pull her out of school and homeschool her.)  She cried for the first few days, bonded with the caregivers, made a best friend, and was then excited to go to school.

Lesson Learned:  We don’t see our own brilliance because to us, it’s ordinary.  We need coaches, teaches, mastermind partners to reflect our brilliance back for us to see.  

Phase 4:  Part-Time Preschool & No More Clients

In March of 2008, I started reading my friend Sandy Grason‘s book, Journalution, which is about how to find solutions to your life using journaling.  I had stopped journaling years ago, with some weird idea that my husband might read my journal so it was not safe (as if he would ever read it, how nuts of me).  But per Sandy’s advice, I bought a brand new, unlined, lime-green-covered journal, and sat down to answer the journaling prompt “Describe Your Perfect Day.”

The idea of a perfect day seemed so unreal I was unable to answer the question until I added the caveat, “…three years from today.”  So I described a perfect day in 2011, where I was running an publishing/information marketing/magazine business, teaching a teleclass, and talking to a coaching client on the phone, while homeschooling my daughter (and with my husband working on his own home business in the next room).  As I read my entry, I realized that I was waiting for magical circumstances (that would never happen) for my vision to arise.  Instead … what if I just did that perfect day right now? 

So I pulled Grace out of full time and put her in a 2-days a week, 1/2 day preschool program, and invested in TONS of homeschooling resources.  Stopped seeing financial planning clients (drastically reducing my income but freeing up time and energy).  Finished my first major information product.  Published my first book.  Re-launched my business as The Wealth Spa Online Magazine.  And did that with just 6 hours of regular childcare each week (plus a few days each quarter of temporary nanny time for out-of-town travel and speaking engagements).  It is possible. 

Lesson Learned:  Don’t wait for something to happen to start living life (because that day will never come).  Stop waiting.  Simply live in the moment today.  

Phase 5:  Homeschooling & and Clients again?

Until on December 30, 2008 when Grace said, to no one in particular as she was getting in the car, “This is the last day I’m going to school.”  What?  I completely freaked, I needed those 6 hours a week to make phone calls, teach teleclasses, write articles, get work done!  Now I was not surprised, really…she had stopped enjoying school when she moved to the 3 year old “real preschool” classroom that fall, with its large class size, higher student-teacher ratio, and absence of her best friends from the 2 year old room.  (And, as she told me a few weeks later, one boy had been kicking her on a regular basis, what the heck?!)

But after 5 years in business and almost 4 as a mom, my freak-out-ness was not long lasting.  Tons of resources popped up into my awareness, from Cubes & Crayons on-demand childcare/work sharing, to the zillion classes for kids in my area, to homeschooling co-ops.  After just 2 weeks, we were back in a routine, and, frankly, I was more productive than ever before.  

Now it’s Spring again, and again I’m moving to another business & personal growth phase.   The online business is growing exponentially, and I’m doing tons of speaking engagements. (Ironically to my no-more-clients decision in 2008), I’m secretly planning to open 4 one-on-one coaching spots and a 15-person group coaching program for other mom business owners.  (Okay, it’s not secret if I’m blogging about it, lol.)  After casually, speaking about my personal mompreneur strategies for the last few years, I want to bring these solutions to all of those moms who are trying to grow a business and raise kids, all without losing their minds or struggling through daily life.  

Lesson Learned:  After the last 4 years as a mompreneur, who knows what next challenge/opporunity will jump into my life tomorrow.  But as always, it’s an adventure (and that’s the point, eh?).  

–

Join me for the free teleclass, “The 5 Shifts Moms Must Make to Succeed as Entrepreneurs,” where you will learn:

• Why mom entrepreneurs are different, and how being a mom makes us better business owners
• What you must do differently to feel fulfilled in your conflicting roles
• How to create the support you need asap
• The big myths of successful “mompreneurs” and work-at-home moms, and why you can’t buy into them
• The #1 mistake moms are making that’s holding them back making the really big bucks, or even just a profit

Date:  Wednesday April 1, 2009

Time:  Noon Pacific (3 PM EST)

(this free call will be recorded)

Join us at http://MompreneurCall.com

I am not dispensing financial and legal advice from an upper floor of a fancy high-rise, in a dark, wood paneled office, resting on a leather chair, over a mahogany conference table.  My advice is dispensed while a toddler is yanking on my sweater, with Dora the Explorer blaring in the background, removing cookie crumbs from my client forms, using a laptop with a missing “k” (knocked off in toddler enthusiasm).  The adventure of running a growing startup company while simultaneously caring for my daughter, Grace, has clarified my priorities and sharpened my efficiency – and once I embraced the chaos, has resulted in a holistic, joyful life for me and my family.  

The Adventure Begins

Unlike many work-at-home moms, I did not start my company in response to having a child.  I was proactive.  I knew that 70 hour work weeks in a boring (yet allegedly successful and six-figure salary) legal career was not going to jive with my priorities when my husband and I wanted to start a family.  I also wanted something more – to be able to help regular people proactively and make their lives better – and to create something of my own.  So I quit.  

The startup of my business was slow, at first, but in the summer of 2004 I was featured in the local newspaper – and went from one call a week to 12 calls a day.  I was caught in the momentum of my growing business, working 10 hours a day and loving it – the financial planning firm was my baby.  

And then we got pregnant.  Yes, it was sort-of-planned, but we had thought we would wait until my business was more ready (which never happens, by the way).  But the powers that be had something else in mind.  

The plan was for me to take 6 weeks off upon the birth of the baby, hire a nanny part time for a few months, then go back to my business full-time, with the baby either in daycare or with a full-time nanny.  

And then, in March of 2005, Grace was born.  

Lesson #1:  You Must Fill Yourself First

A few days after Grace was born, I was intoxicated with her.  I held her almost 24 hours a day (with a few short breaks for daddy, while mommy took a shower).  I watched her sleep, worried over her feedings, and showed her all her toys.  Those first few weeks, I was energized by her newness (or perhaps the birth and nursing hormones).  But Gracie was a bottomless pit of need, and I was not able to constantly fill it by myself.  

Grace wants constant motion.  And before she was able to crawl or walk, she wanted that motion to be provided by the grown ups in her life, 24-hours a day – in arms, in Baby Bjorn or sling.  She would deconstruct if left to her own devices – as if her brain was unable to process the world without some motion to occupy part of her mind.  

When her new part-time nanny arrived, and took my winy baby for a walk in the Baby Bjorn, I was oppressed with guilt.  How could I give my baby to a stranger and dare to run a business?  We could live off of my husband’s salary, was this business just a selfish conceit?  Should I be a stay-at-home mom for a few years and start my business up again when she goes off to school?  

By the end of the day of nanny care, I already knew I had made the right decision.  I was able to fill up my needs by living in the world of adults – reading emails, solving problems, learning new issues, eating lunch in a civilized manner – such that when Grace returned, I was ready, able, and overjoyed to give to her again.  By taking care of myself, first, Grace is no longer a drain.  She is a joy.  

Lesson #2:  Don’t Listen to What You “Should” Do.  Trust Yourself & Trust Your Baby.

As Grace made the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood, life became much more complicated.  My active toddler would no longer be amused by relaxing in a sling or playing in a bouncy seat while I answered email.  No, she wanted to cruise the house for trouble, climb the furniture, chase the cat while screaming, reorganize my files, append my notes with her Crayola commentary, and disassemble my stapler.  

How in the world was I going to be able to get anything done outside of my part-time nanny hours?  Should I put Grace in full-time nanny or day care?  Does she need more stimulation than I can (or am qualified to) provide?  Should I reduce my client workload and stop expanding my business?  

No, instead I crossed to the dark side, and turned on the television.  Yes, ignoring what “they” say about TV for kids under 2, I purposely sat down with Grace and indoctrinated her to Elmo and Dora.  After a few sessions she was a certified convert, and started learning the words to songs, dancing, and pointing out the paraphernalia at Target.  

Did Grace turn from a lean, smart, rambunctious toddler to a chubby, lazy, couch potato?  Was she unable to understand reality because she was exposed to a fast-moving, short-segment virtual world, full of impossible situations and furry monsters?  

Oh, please.  Of course not.  For a few weeks she was a bit of an addict, demanding her new friends every time she saw the TV, or was even present in the living room.  But now, it is just one more way for her to learn, another interesting thing in the room.  Typically, she only has half of an eye on the TV – she’s also chasing the cat, rolling balls, undressing a doll, and eating a cracker.  Given the choice, she would much rather force her dolls down the slide outside or dance around with mommy to her new world music CD, than watch the black box.  

By using television as just another tool, I am able to get a few more things done, expose Grace to different stimulation and information – and have enough time to spend quality, dedicated 1:1 time enjoying my daughter.  Instead of blindly following someone else’s rules, I trust myself and my daughter to find the balance that is right for us.

Lesson #3:  Embrace the Chaos.  

The crucible for me was in fall of 2006 when I was without regular childcare for a few weeks.  I did not want random strangers constantly watching my toddler, so I signed her up for one day of backup daycare each week through my husband’s work, so I could meet with clients – and planned to somehow get all the work done while taking care of Grace.  

The month was a struggle.  Grace was bored, wanted more to do, and mommy was overwhelmed.  I had just started teaching a teleclass, adding another 5+ hours per week to my already-impossible workload.  I also had the wonderful problem of more and more prospects who were all signing on to be clients – and did not have time for both meetings and to get the work done, in that one day of childcare each week.  But I pressed on, counting down the days until our nanny returned from maternity leave.  

One Tuesday I learned the number one detriment to daycare.  That Monday Grace had a booster shot, and had felt a bit pecky that afternoon.  Tuesday morning, she woke up with a 103 degree fever.  Oh.  No.  No daycare for the feverish (even though it was probably just from the vaccination).  

What to do?  I had two prospect appointments that day, and was planning to work on a client project that was due in two days.  I also had two classes to teach and the class notes to finish.  Should I douse her up with Motrin and hope the daycare does not notice?  Should I call a service for a sick-care nanny?  What will my clients say if I cancel at the last minute?  Am I no longer a professional, am I being flaky if I call in baby-sick?  

My baby needed me, so I emailed my clients, prospects, and class students to reschedule the appointments and classes, to take care of my sick baby.  But I resented it.  I resented Grace for being sick.  I resented my husband for going to work.  I resented the world that there was no easy solution, why was I burdened with this baby in the supposedly modern age of women’s lib?  

During her nap that afternoon, Grace woke fitfully, still very tired but too feverish to be comfortable.  So, I swooped her up in my arms and we cuddled on the sofa.  Immediately upon resting her head on my chest, feeling the beat of my heart, Grace was peaceful, and back to sleep.  And I watched her.  Her sweaty hair, curling under on her neck, her damp pj’s, her rosy cheeks, her perfect, blemish-free skin, that unidentifiable baby-smell emanating from her hair – was there anything in the world more beautiful?  

Screw clients, business, expectations of being a modern woman – I am the world to Grace, the most important thing in her life, and she is my #1 responsibility and priority.  There is nothing that has ever given me more fulfillment than caring for her needs, and growing her into the woman she will become.  She is my ultimate project, my ultimate business – and even though I may achieve great things and change the world through my company – growing Gracie is my most important accomplishment.  And, besides, who knows how much longer she will want to sleep in my arms.  

Now, instead of fighting the unpredictability, I embrace the challenges.  Running a business and growing my daughter, I’m more efficient, empathetic, flexible, and creative.  Everyday as I type on my laptop with Grace squirming in my arms, I know that I have been blessed with a life uniquely designed to stimulate me and grow me into the woman that I am destined to become – both as Grace’s mommy, and as an entrepreneur.

How do I run a business and take care of my family (and myself)?

• Let stuff go.  It’s okay if laundry does not get done, or if the house is a mess.  It’s okay if I miss a day to post on my blog, or if I have to reschedule a client appointment.  The world will not end, my business will not go under, we won’t get divorced, and my kid will not be taken away by child protective services. 
• Share personal information, in my eZine, blog’s, and business, including stories about my daughter.  So, when I have to reschedule a client appointment, or record a teleclass instead of doing it live, people understand.  And, I typically attract people who have their own kids, and are sympathetic. 
• Recognize that sometimes the universe is forcing me to slow down.  When I have a migraine, it’s usually partially due to me overworking and needing a break.  When my daughter is sick and home from school, we have time to slow down, cuddle, and read a book together.  Sometimes the higher power is sending me a message that I need to take a break, or change to a slower gear.
• Create plan B, plan C, plan D, etc.  I have backup plans, such as backup babysitters, recording audio for teleclasses or a radio show, or having a client meeting by telephone and webinar. 
• Time leverage my work.  Many of my new programs and products are time-shifted work, where I can work on the project at 5 am on a Tuesday or at noon on a Saturday, and not during normal business hours.  That way I can work when I can, not on a regular business schedule.
• Stop procrastinating.  I can no longer do a project at 5 am the day it is due, because I might be taking care of a sick baby at 5 am.  I cannot work on a project the afternoon before, because I may be called in to pick up my daughter from school.  Everything must be done ahead of time, just in case. 

Not that I have all the answers — but these are a few ways I have created a life system to support myself as a mompreneur.  Hope it helps you on your journey!