February 29, 2012

3:52 am – Wake up (no alarm) and look over at my bedside table, realize that it’s 3:52 am and I don’t need to be up quite yet, so I doze for a bit.

4:14 am – Give up on dozing and grab my iPhone to read the morning Daily Office to connect with God, and to check Instagram to see what people are doing in the world.

4:30 am – Get into the shower, get dressed, makeup, etc.

5:00 am – Make coffee, cut up an apple, get a glass of water. Sit down at computer and check twitter/facebook/email real quick to make sure nothing exploded etc. Text. Gather papers for my meeting, look over my notes, look over my report. Open up Day One to start this log and then write my Morning Pages.

5:29 am – Start meeting for iPhone App project with my business partner (who is in another time zone, hence the early meeting time)! Yay! We are making progress!

7:14 am – End meeting. Gracie is up now! Get her breakfast while she watches Sponge Bob on Netflix on the TV. I eat another apple (raw breakfast, yay for me! well, except for coffee. Lol.). Make her lunch & get stuff ready for school. Get my stuff ready. Get Gracie dressed (an extravaganza that takes longer every day).

8:03 am – Leave for school. Explain to Grace the concept of Leap Day – she is very excited that there has only been two of them since she has been alive. She can’t believe we need to add days / seconds to keep calendars and the earth matched up. We are almost late but barely not, they do the rain stick just as she is entering the classroom so after a quick kiss she runs in to grab her spot on the carpet.

8:37 am – Leave her school, get gas (the car’s No Gas Alarm is going off! Wish I could wash my car there too but it’s raining), and go to Panera Bread. Lots of construction along the way and people driving crazy b/c raining, oy, which makes me feel like I’m running behind.

9:17 am – Finally sitting at my table at Panera. With coffee, you pick two (black bean soup and a veggie sandwich), laptop, notepads, headphones (to keep people from talking to me). Totally not eating raw this morning but oh well – I’m hungry and I need to eat right now, and I need to write a blog post somewhere that’s not at home, etc. At least this is vegetarian and remotely healthy. Well, except the chips. Well they are just potatoes and sunflower oil and salt so not too bad in the scheme of chips.

Start writing a blog post about yesterday’s nervous breakdown. Eavesdropping on people having telephone conversations about various startup ideas and someone else who just got their Cisco routers finally. People are entertaining.

10:23 am – Just published the blog post and posted on Twitter & Facebook. Now gathering stuff to leave Panera to go back home to work for the rest of the work day. Also want to use my own bathroom instead of a public one.

10:41 am – Home! My organic fruit/veggie box came from Farm Fresh to You – contains leeks again. That’s a lot of freaking leeks. I need to look up a new recipe or something. Do the 15 min tidy/clean daily routine – today all I got to was dishes & taking out the trash.

Guy with a chainsaw outside my window (apt complex has a tree service here cutting down trees that are allegedly diseased or something) so I was going to record a podcast … but I’ll have to wait until they go on break.

11:25 am – Create and send out an email blast – blog post plus 21% off MBTI Type II, now until Friday – and talking about my blog post that I just posted. Which means: set up the coupon code & test, change where the link is on the coaching page, write the email blast & test & send & check to make sure it worked.

11:52 am – Record the Live Your Truth Daily podcast. Along the way get distracted by Facebook and upgrading my Live Your Truth Facebook Page to the new layout and looking at Hiro Boga’s upcoming program. Then go back to finish publishing the podcast. Oops, distracted by email again and filling out a form for church. Now back to hitting publish on this thing.

12:32 pm – I’m taking a break. Had a snack and watched the first episode of Downton Abbey, via Amazon Prime streaming. Omg that was so awesome!!! Love!! I rarely watch TV shows (we don’t have cable and until recently didn’t even have a TV) but that show was really well done and I love British period pieces. It’s hard for me to let myself take a break.

[As I am posting this a week later, I still feel guilty about taking this break. Perhaps 30 minutes would have been reasonable but this was almost an hour and half!]

1:50 pm – Emails. I have a backlog due to me going off the grid when I was in Disneyland. I start going through the gmail deemed “important” emails – opportunities, clients, inquiries, stuff from my BFF, plus all the wrongly-labeled-unimportant junk.

2:19 pm – Okay that’s as much emailing as I can take right now. Going to get stuff together to go get G from school. Not sure what we will do after school, so I’m bringing stuff to do, just in case she wants to go ice skating (as in, stuff for me to do as I sit on the bench. I enjoy sitting on the bench while she skates.). Leave to get G at school.

3:25 pm – Gs friend invited her ice skating, so we are across the street at the outdoor ice rink. I’m happily sitting on a bench … going to see if I can get some Internet access so I can email and/or watch training videos. Yes there is free WiFi!! Win!! Watched an MIT lecture on Intro to Computer Science (lecture 4 of 12), to bring me up to speed re thinking like a programmer, for the iPhone App project. Email.

4:59 pm - Leave the ice skating rink as their afternoon session closes, get G drive through food on the way home (not exactly a parenting win, but oh well).

5:35 pm – Get home. Make myself an omelet with sautéed onions & goat cheddar cheese.

While eating, watch lecture 5 of the MIT course (45 min). With occasional stops to get G something to eat, to cut a piece of paper, to get a black sharpie to write on cardboard, to buy tickets to Cinderella, to rip off pieces of blue tape, to insert and then remove Gracie in/from a big box (that the vacuum came in), etc.

More emails. Get a band-aid for Gracie. Talk to Gracie about summer camps. Text. Take pictures of Gracie in a box. Tried to print a picture but printer is not working augh!!!

8:11 pm – Enter “get the kid to bed” phase – her brushing her teeth etc., and then I read her a chapter from Little House in Big Woods (we just started the Little House on the Prairie books!) and a devotion from a kid’s Lent devotional. We pray. Then she listens to a children’s guided meditation and falls asleep.

While I’m sitting on the floor besides her bed as the meditation plays from my phone, I post a picture to Facebook and read thebloggess‘ latest post (is it wrong to internet while my kid is listening to a meditation? Hum. Not very Zen of me, eh?).

8:40 pm – Leave the kid’s room, as she is theoretically asleep. I do my yoga stretching, read the evening Daily Office, and get myself ready for bed.

9:31 am – Lights out. I turn on a guided meditation and presumably fall asleep a few minutes later, because I don’t remember any of the meditation.

—

Leap Day 2012 Summary:

Work: 5:55 hrs

Chauffeur/Driving/Drop-Off/Pick-Up: 3:02 hrs

Multitasking (work/mommy stuff combined): 2:36 hrs

AM Routine & PM Routine: 2:06 hrs

Get G Ready for School/Bed: 1:18 min

Break Time: 1:18 hrs

Housekeeping: 44 min

Doze: 22 min

Total: 18:21 hrs

Well, no wonder I feel like I can’t get anything else done. I think this is the best I can do.

Not just because it’s all carby and toasted and smothered in real butter.

But because this morning I haven’t earned my food yet.

There are tasks yet unfinished.

The unanswered emails, the unbought gifts, the unwashed dishes, the unlaunched sites, the uncollected receivables, the uninterviewed experts, the unresponded press requests, the unengaged @ replies, the unsold clients.

There are self cares yet untaken.

The unswollowed vitamins, the unrested sleeps, the unpolished toenails, the unfulfilled prescriptions, the unstuck acupuncture, the unsmelled perfume, the unbought health food, the unlifted weights.

Who am I to think I deserve food.

Sleep. Sex. That new novel. This red sweater. A long walk. One delicious minute of unrestricted laughter or intimate connection or untamed joy.

With all these yet undone, how could I possibly deserve to be happy?

Yet.

You say that we all deserve to be happy.

But how do you know that? Where is that written down?

I wish for proof, some testimony from the gods, some authoritative ultimate that can argue with the doubt ingrained in my bones, that can convince my soul of its worthiness.

And yes, I know. I teach this shit.

I teach that we all deserve self care and we all deserve ecstasy, that to be able to express our souls on this earth we must create the space for it to flourish, that before we can do or make or create or help … we first must just allow ourselves to be.

The reason I teach is because this is the great lesson that my soul must learn this time around in this corporal existence. This is the great lesson that my soul must share with all of you to finally reprogram the molecules embedded in my very cells, to finally move on to the next exploration.

This lesson, this fundamental truth that I, that you, that we all deserve every morsel of these ecstasies.

We deserve them for no reason.

We deserve them for every reason.

So in the meanwhile, I pretend.

I try to act as if I have already learned the lesson.

I swallow the vitamins. I play in the rain. I surrender to the orgasm. I devour the frozen yogurt with a pile of chocolatey mix-ins. I spend the afternoon browsing the independent bookstore looking for anything in particular.

I take a bite of this english muffin.

And I wonder.

I wonder if someday I’ll feel that I actually deserve it.

–

Do you struggle with guilt, with feeling like you must get stuff done before you deserve a break, before you deserve to be happy? What are you doing to unlearn this untruth?

Six days since my last paragraph, phrase, journal entry, blog post, physical expression of my creativity, mental rambling, angst, poetry, rant, or endless diatribe.

And I am bursting.

Overflowing with stories, with metaphors, with lessons only partially learned because they have not yet been memorialized in a tangible form for digestion by the masses.

But before anything profound can flow from my fingertips onto this keyboard, I must first write this crap.

One of those lame, throat clearing, guilt-filled confessions of “I’m so sorry that I have not written” blog posts.

Except that I’m not sorry.

And I don’t feel guilty.

Here’s the thing.

Yes, I write every day.

I write every day … except on the days that I don’t.

The days when I am going from 4:17 AM and miss that scared morning window of silence and space, thinking I’ll fit in writing on the bus to pole dancing class or after I dismiss the babysitter at 10:43 PM and I’m collapsing into my foam-top bed but I fall asleep with my iPhone and book and journal on my chest, only to wake in the twilight of a missed opportunity.

The days when I go from spending two hours to find a notary in the financial district of San Francisco to the mad dash to BART, airport tram, security, gate, terminal, baggage claim, taxi, Vegas casino lobby, hotel room, thinking I’ll fit writing in when I unpack or am waiting in the casino bar or in between the happy hour and the tweetup, but the necessarily silence never materializes.

The days when I’m intoxicated, when I’m hungover, when I’m full of angst and worry and confusion, drugged by the over-saturation of Vegas oxygen, watching an endless parade of Spanish language infomercials, and the ability to form a coherent bullet point of profoundness or relevancy never presents itself.

Some days, it just ain’t going to happen.

Writing every day isn’t about writing every day.

It’s about picking up the pen, opening the laptop, surrendering to the blank page or the stark white TextEdit screen, regardless of how easy it would be to make the excuse.

The excuse that it’s been so long since I’ve written, I’ve already fallen off the wagon, I’m just not able to write every day, my life just isn’t suited for writing consistently, I just can’t.

So I might as well not even try.

That is the greatest temptation to the discipline of art.

As much as art, writing, the act of creation is about this magical surrender, this channeling of inspiration, this fear-ladden challenge of speaking only the most real truth …

It’s also about just freaking doing it.

Sitting down to write. Anyway.

Even on the day after you didn’t.

–

Do you find it hard to write (or create your art) on the day after you didn’t? Hard to get back on the wagon? What works for you?

I’d love to hear your comments / feedback / ideas / stories below!

There’s a voice in my head that always says: “Elizabeth, all this self-care stuff is just an excuse to be selfish. Lazy. To stop doing your to do list. You need to get this stuff done, fast! Stop wasting our time with all this self care crap. Get to work. You don’t deserve this until you get everything done first.”

So last Thursday morning, another voice (non-imaginary and over skype this time), belonging to someone who knows how much I need self care and is completely convinced that I deserve it already, gave me an assignment.

“Today you are going to do something that makes you feel strong, someone that makes you feel smart & successful, something that makes you feel pretty, something that makes you laugh, and something that’s self-indulgent & wasteful. And none of it can be about work or your daughter. And you’ll report back to me when you’ve done each thing.”

I was able to let go of my guilt about self care because I had to do it. Because it was an assignment. (Yes, of course I didn’t actually have to. But it’s just enough of a push to help me let go of guilt.) And, because I wasn’t actually told what to do (just the feelings I would get), it makes this day fun, creative, adventurous … not just another thing on my to do list to complete.

So here’s what happened on my perfect self care day.

Strong: On Thursdays at 11 AM I work out with my personal trainer, Cera (a professional dancer, choreographer, and studio owner). This is not some girly workout — she includes weights and boxing and real pushups, as well as pilates and yoga.

I especially feel strong and kickass when I’m lifting those 15 lb “boy weights” (what I call the hand weights that are all metal and scary looking).

Smart & Successful: I love books. I love the way they smell, the way the pages feel under my fingers. How they make me feel powerful and smart and in control and able to learn anything. So to get that feeling of smart & successful, I headed to to the bookstore at the mall a few blocks form my apartment, and wandered around the shelves.

Saw books I had already read, books by authors I’m friends with, books that I plan to read (and one I bought – that happiness book by Tony Hsieh of Zappos) – books that were old friends and books that were becoming new acquaintances.

Pretty: This one was a bit hard, because I don’t really think of myself as pretty. I guess I think of myself cute and even sexy, but the energy of pretty just doesn’t occur to me. I ended up buying a few necklaces at Old Navy, one was a necklace that I had seen a few times, but had not bought because I didn’t have anything to wear with it.

Really, it only looks good on me topless (how unreasonable, to get jewelry just to wear in private!). But this time, I went ahead & got that for-me-topless necklace. (No, you won’t be seeing a twitpic of that one, my dears.)

Laugh: Trying to find something that makes me laugh that didn’t involve Gracie was hard … I laugh more with her than anyone. The other times I laugh are also caused by a person, or a movie, or some external source. I wanted something where I had fun, where I laughed, not from an external motivation, but due to the fun inherent in the activity itself.

That’s when I remembered how much I like to swing. How when I was little I would swing for hours, alone, moving through the air, peaceful, in rhythm with the universe. So we went to South Park a few blocks from my apartment, and I swung until I was dizzy.

Indulgent & Wasteful: I didn’t decide this ahead of time – I knew that something I wanted that I would normally not buy/do/get would present itself to me during the day – and unlike usual, this time, I would follow the urge.

I did two indulgent things – bought a red jacket (I have enough jackets. who needs a red jacket? but yes, I wanted it) and ate tiramisu at this fancy bakery that I would never normally go into. Mmmmm.

Overall, this was a lovely self care day. I didn’t necessarily do any of the classic self care things – spa day, massages, vacationy stuff – instead, with a few prompts, I found the extreme self care just in ordinary life.

I ended the day feeling peaceful.

Full of energy. In the flow. Grounded. Ready.

And that’s the power of what self care does for us all.

What do you do when you want to fill yourself up? What would go into your perfect self care day?

Bonus – Sexy: Feeling sexy is also included in this self care list. But when I was given this assignment, we both knew I had already done something that made me feel sexy that morning. #ahem #thatisall

I am not dispensing financial and legal advice from an upper floor of a fancy high-rise, in a dark, wood paneled office, resting on a leather chair, over a mahogany conference table.  My advice is dispensed while a toddler is yanking on my sweater, with Dora the Explorer blaring in the background, removing cookie crumbs from my client forms, using a laptop with a missing “k” (knocked off in toddler enthusiasm).  The adventure of running a growing startup company while simultaneously caring for my daughter, Grace, has clarified my priorities and sharpened my efficiency – and once I embraced the chaos, has resulted in a holistic, joyful life for me and my family.  

The Adventure Begins

Unlike many work-at-home moms, I did not start my company in response to having a child.  I was proactive.  I knew that 70 hour work weeks in a boring (yet allegedly successful and six-figure salary) legal career was not going to jive with my priorities when my husband and I wanted to start a family.  I also wanted something more – to be able to help regular people proactively and make their lives better – and to create something of my own.  So I quit.  

The startup of my business was slow, at first, but in the summer of 2004 I was featured in the local newspaper – and went from one call a week to 12 calls a day.  I was caught in the momentum of my growing business, working 10 hours a day and loving it – the financial planning firm was my baby.  

And then we got pregnant.  Yes, it was sort-of-planned, but we had thought we would wait until my business was more ready (which never happens, by the way).  But the powers that be had something else in mind.  

The plan was for me to take 6 weeks off upon the birth of the baby, hire a nanny part time for a few months, then go back to my business full-time, with the baby either in daycare or with a full-time nanny.  

And then, in March of 2005, Grace was born.  

Lesson #1:  You Must Fill Yourself First

A few days after Grace was born, I was intoxicated with her.  I held her almost 24 hours a day (with a few short breaks for daddy, while mommy took a shower).  I watched her sleep, worried over her feedings, and showed her all her toys.  Those first few weeks, I was energized by her newness (or perhaps the birth and nursing hormones).  But Gracie was a bottomless pit of need, and I was not able to constantly fill it by myself.  

Grace wants constant motion.  And before she was able to crawl or walk, she wanted that motion to be provided by the grown ups in her life, 24-hours a day – in arms, in Baby Bjorn or sling.  She would deconstruct if left to her own devices – as if her brain was unable to process the world without some motion to occupy part of her mind.  

When her new part-time nanny arrived, and took my winy baby for a walk in the Baby Bjorn, I was oppressed with guilt.  How could I give my baby to a stranger and dare to run a business?  We could live off of my husband’s salary, was this business just a selfish conceit?  Should I be a stay-at-home mom for a few years and start my business up again when she goes off to school?  

By the end of the day of nanny care, I already knew I had made the right decision.  I was able to fill up my needs by living in the world of adults – reading emails, solving problems, learning new issues, eating lunch in a civilized manner – such that when Grace returned, I was ready, able, and overjoyed to give to her again.  By taking care of myself, first, Grace is no longer a drain.  She is a joy.  

Lesson #2:  Don’t Listen to What You “Should” Do.  Trust Yourself & Trust Your Baby.

As Grace made the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood, life became much more complicated.  My active toddler would no longer be amused by relaxing in a sling or playing in a bouncy seat while I answered email.  No, she wanted to cruise the house for trouble, climb the furniture, chase the cat while screaming, reorganize my files, append my notes with her Crayola commentary, and disassemble my stapler.  

How in the world was I going to be able to get anything done outside of my part-time nanny hours?  Should I put Grace in full-time nanny or day care?  Does she need more stimulation than I can (or am qualified to) provide?  Should I reduce my client workload and stop expanding my business?  

No, instead I crossed to the dark side, and turned on the television.  Yes, ignoring what “they” say about TV for kids under 2, I purposely sat down with Grace and indoctrinated her to Elmo and Dora.  After a few sessions she was a certified convert, and started learning the words to songs, dancing, and pointing out the paraphernalia at Target.  

Did Grace turn from a lean, smart, rambunctious toddler to a chubby, lazy, couch potato?  Was she unable to understand reality because she was exposed to a fast-moving, short-segment virtual world, full of impossible situations and furry monsters?  

Oh, please.  Of course not.  For a few weeks she was a bit of an addict, demanding her new friends every time she saw the TV, or was even present in the living room.  But now, it is just one more way for her to learn, another interesting thing in the room.  Typically, she only has half of an eye on the TV – she’s also chasing the cat, rolling balls, undressing a doll, and eating a cracker.  Given the choice, she would much rather force her dolls down the slide outside or dance around with mommy to her new world music CD, than watch the black box.  

By using television as just another tool, I am able to get a few more things done, expose Grace to different stimulation and information – and have enough time to spend quality, dedicated 1:1 time enjoying my daughter.  Instead of blindly following someone else’s rules, I trust myself and my daughter to find the balance that is right for us.

Lesson #3:  Embrace the Chaos.  

The crucible for me was in fall of 2006 when I was without regular childcare for a few weeks.  I did not want random strangers constantly watching my toddler, so I signed her up for one day of backup daycare each week through my husband’s work, so I could meet with clients – and planned to somehow get all the work done while taking care of Grace.  

The month was a struggle.  Grace was bored, wanted more to do, and mommy was overwhelmed.  I had just started teaching a teleclass, adding another 5+ hours per week to my already-impossible workload.  I also had the wonderful problem of more and more prospects who were all signing on to be clients – and did not have time for both meetings and to get the work done, in that one day of childcare each week.  But I pressed on, counting down the days until our nanny returned from maternity leave.  

One Tuesday I learned the number one detriment to daycare.  That Monday Grace had a booster shot, and had felt a bit pecky that afternoon.  Tuesday morning, she woke up with a 103 degree fever.  Oh.  No.  No daycare for the feverish (even though it was probably just from the vaccination).  

What to do?  I had two prospect appointments that day, and was planning to work on a client project that was due in two days.  I also had two classes to teach and the class notes to finish.  Should I douse her up with Motrin and hope the daycare does not notice?  Should I call a service for a sick-care nanny?  What will my clients say if I cancel at the last minute?  Am I no longer a professional, am I being flaky if I call in baby-sick?  

My baby needed me, so I emailed my clients, prospects, and class students to reschedule the appointments and classes, to take care of my sick baby.  But I resented it.  I resented Grace for being sick.  I resented my husband for going to work.  I resented the world that there was no easy solution, why was I burdened with this baby in the supposedly modern age of women’s lib?  

During her nap that afternoon, Grace woke fitfully, still very tired but too feverish to be comfortable.  So, I swooped her up in my arms and we cuddled on the sofa.  Immediately upon resting her head on my chest, feeling the beat of my heart, Grace was peaceful, and back to sleep.  And I watched her.  Her sweaty hair, curling under on her neck, her damp pj’s, her rosy cheeks, her perfect, blemish-free skin, that unidentifiable baby-smell emanating from her hair – was there anything in the world more beautiful?  

Screw clients, business, expectations of being a modern woman – I am the world to Grace, the most important thing in her life, and she is my #1 responsibility and priority.  There is nothing that has ever given me more fulfillment than caring for her needs, and growing her into the woman she will become.  She is my ultimate project, my ultimate business – and even though I may achieve great things and change the world through my company – growing Gracie is my most important accomplishment.  And, besides, who knows how much longer she will want to sleep in my arms.  

Now, instead of fighting the unpredictability, I embrace the challenges.  Running a business and growing my daughter, I’m more efficient, empathetic, flexible, and creative.  Everyday as I type on my laptop with Grace squirming in my arms, I know that I have been blessed with a life uniquely designed to stimulate me and grow me into the woman that I am destined to become – both as Grace’s mommy, and as an entrepreneur.