And that fundamental reason holds us back, obscuring the truth about our value as mothers.

Being a mom isn’t about how much stuff we do, those choices that we make.

Being a mom is about who we are being.

She stepped forward, intuitively working the room, making introductions between new friends, negotiating what toys could be explored before morning meeting, finding a place for her posse on the carpet.

Without me.

Surpassing me.

And I am left alone in my apartment, stretched out on my bed with a MacBook on my lap and a pan of Betty Crocker fudge brownies tucked in besides me, and as proud as I am about her being excited about school, I wonder.

So. Now.

Who am I without her sitting beside me?

As an INFJ, I want to have it all figured out.

I feel safe and comfortable and in control with a really complex system providing clear and predictable answers. With well defined rules that govern how I should be and what I should do. With the future analyzed and decided and scripted re what program I’m launching next and where we’ll be for Christmas break and how my website will be formatted in 2014.

But when I give up all the tests and rules and systems and bullshit and just accept what’s going on in this moment, all I’m left with is the only thing that’s true.

I am me.

And really, no one can know who the fuck that should be.

Yes, I do have some ideas. I do have some plans.

I’m in the middle of a master’s degree and a few unfinished LYT programs and a website relaunch. I have ideas for new businesses and websites and blog posts and videos. I dream of travel and more learnings and to get certified in bookmaking or hand analysis or how to fly a plane.

Yes, I’m still a mom for the rest of my life.

Even when she’s not with me during the day. Even when she’s out on her own and has better things to do than text with her mom or whatever replaces texting in 2024.

But in the meanwhile, right now, I’m just going to focus on being myself.

(Whoever that is.)

And I’ll try be patient about what this being will end up doing.

—

Have you gone through a transition, sent a kid off to school or to live on their own, quit a job or business, leave a long-term relationship, and wonder … who are you without that role?

Who are you without that relationship or position as your identity?

I’d love to hear from you below!

I was standing in the kitchen of a corporate apartment in NYC, talking to my hubby about the contradictions of being a mother and a performer. Society is tough on mothers.

“Imagine how Madonna feels,” I say.

I think of Madonna often. Once a week? A month? I admire her. Not because she sings or gets nasty or adopts African babies. Not because she’s a year older than me and looks amazing. (Although I do love that).

No.

I look up to her because she gives the impression that she beats the crap out of every single day, leaving no day un-messed with. When she arrives at her final ovation, I’m pretty sure she’s going to say, “I did it all, motherfuckers!” And, yes, she’ll be wearing strappy black lingerie and looking like The Bomb.

Very few pave the way for other non-conformers, and she does it in diamond- crusted spades.

I don’t want to do it ALL, exactly. But I also don’t want to let the malaise of an easy life suck all the punch and vinegar out of me either. Which could happen. I’m seriously lazy at times. More importantly, I don’t want to make other people comfortable, at the expense of my freedom. I want to envelop all the disparate parts of myself and be able to express every one.

As I get my full MEGAN on, I might lose a few friends along the way. The ones who liked me the most for making them feel comfortable. If I’m a little sad about this, I’m also relieved. I’ve spent too much time being nice and ignoring my bright insanity. I never lost the slightly daredevil impulses, but I pushed them down.

Like everything else in life, I wanted to do motherhood ‘right.’ I didn’t want to screw it up. I thought it all needed to look a certain way. Good. Nice. I needed to stand in the wings for them all. It was valid at the time.

Let’s face it, Madonna would be so freaking miserable if she wasn’t getting her full Madonna on. Right? But she’s a mother, too. If she doesn’t spend full days with her kids, I’d be willing to bet that the time she does spend with them is focused, and glowing with love and inspiration. If nothing else, they will grow up knowing how to beat the crap out of a day, if they choose to do so.

In hindsight, we can’t ever get it all right. I hated the PTA, felt wrong in a small town, and, I now realize, I need a heavy dose of foolishness to go alongside the tameness of middle life. Many of my choices were good, but at other times it would have been the better choice to get a little crazy and let my children see their mother in all her colors.

I am still nice. I’m also a really good mother. Like a crème filled cookie- my insides are all soft and lovey-dovey. I keep my family there.

But the outside is crunchy cocoa nutty. This is the way I like it. I like getting my full Madonna on.

I think it’s better to be your true and authentic self than a fake version for someone else.

How about you?

About Megan Matthieson: Megan is a Dancer. (Muse to Eliot Feld in New York) A writer. (Working on another draft of the book!) A new blogger. (idanceiwrite.com) A guest blogger, a Party Enthusiast, a Hollywood wife, and a Mother of three beautiful individuals. She loves to Connect and use the F bomb.

Of course, not all working moms or stay at home moms feel this way – most don’t, I’m sure.  Most of us are perfectly comfortable with each woman making her own choices, and mostly comfortable with our own choices, and we stay out of any nasty fights — and even support each other!  But there are a few outspoken women who assume their choices are the only "Right" choices for everyone.

But where do we fit in?  The work at home moms?  Or even my subset, the work at home moms who opt for part time childcare?  Am I in the stay at home camp, because I am at home?  Am I in the working camp, because I have a business? 

I find that I am in neither.  When I tried to find a play date group for me and Gracie, I did not fit in.  The stay at home moms didn’t understand why I had part time childcare or why I sometimes had a meeting.  The working moms wanted to do everything in the evenings or on the weekends, which I like to save for family time.  From both camps I would get a lot of "It Must Be Nice" statements — as if being self-employed just fell into my lap from the WAHM fairy.  I always felt weird.  Maybe that was just my problem … but I find that I fit in more online with other self-employed moms, than any mom groups around here in the offline world. 

Have you all had this problem?  Where do you fit — or do you also find that you are in a separate category?  Have you ever found a good playdate group? 

Last Friday my 2-year old somehow got a hold of my wallet-purse and decided to reorganize my credit cards and business cards.  In the process, she somehow misplaced my main personal credit card, and my personal check card.  She only had it for a few minutes, right next to me on the sofa, so you would think I would be able to find the cards. 

No.

I looked in the sofa cushions, moved the sofa and coffee table, and in her toy box.  The cleaning people even cleaned this room today, and did not find them. 

Yes, I called to get new cards … but it takes a week!  And, I realized that all my other personal credit cards are packed away (because I follow the rule of only one credit card at a time, which is a good rule, except for this problem), and I don’t feel like digging them out.   Today I went to Fed Ex, and had to write a check to send a package.  A check!  It’s been 10 years since I have paid for something at a store with a check!

Perhaps she tucked the cards away and is secretly buying toys and Dora movies?  Or she is bribing kids at preschool?  Buying stuff off the internet?

What will it be like when she is a teenager?!