There is a disturbing amount of space and eternity in the old growth redwoods.

Disturbing because, as my BFF said in her blog post today, stillness and silence means that you can’t hide behind your addictions, you can’t hide behind your busy, you can’t hide behind the distractions with which you’ve been self-medicating.

In the silence, you can’t avoid the real.

So to begin my annual personal retreat, to end a year and begin the rest, I traveled to the woods and wandered.

I abandoned the facade I had been propped up behind.

I found myself again, in that ancient space.

Mid day, I stopped along a creek because I knew something was to come.

And there, inside the Northern California coastal fog, I heard what really happened last year.

Last year, I grew up. Realized that life, that this world, is not black and white.

I found humility. Surrendered. Relaxed. Got quiet and still.

I let go of control. Stopped waiting for control.

I started to pray.

I started to forgive.

I became aware of the criticism.

I found empathy and compassion. For them. For myself.

I learned how to trust.

I learned how to ground, center, hold space, wait, open, receive.

I let go.

That even though I felt like I didn’t get as much done as I should have (which is not really true, I later realized I got tons accomplished last year), what I needed to take place in this journey did happen.

I did the most important thing possible. I did what was necessary.

I grew.

But of course the journey did not end there.

The next day I spent in a motel room bed, watching television (the prevalence of reality show programming is fascinating) and suffering from a migraine and the side effects of the medications required to keep it at bay.

But I wasn’t upset.

I didn’t feel like I was wasting time on my retreat. I knew that in that moment, what I needed was for my body to process what had happened.

I needed to just be.

Then I woke up and returned to the woods.

I found a stone bench in the middle of a grove and just sat.

I asked.

What do I need this year?

How do I need to grow?

What do I need more of in my everyday life?

I felt it through me, surrounding me, permeating the branches and the moss and coming up through the decaying logs and needles underfoot.

Peace.

I need to learn how to bring peace into my life. Every day. To exist in a peaceful, serene, centered and grounded state.

To have Peace be my daily life, instead of just my vacation.

I returned to the small town of my temporary residence (which of course has a Starbucks, can’t escape that, lol), sat down in a booth with a grande coffee with 5 raw sugars and my laptop.

I wrote. 

I wrote dozens of journal pages replying to my annual retreat writing prompts, revealing who I was last year, who I am right now, and who I want to be.

I recommitted to what my life is about.

I decided how I am going to grow this year.

And I determined how I’m going to do it.

Yes, I’ll be sharing more about the EveryDay project that I’ve committed to this year, in the weekly video blogs, on the daily LYTD podcast, and in future blog posts.

And next week I’ll share more about the Live Your Truth Guide to Your Annual Retreat, where I’m giving you the exact process I went through last week and how you can create it in your own life (including the behind the scenes details of my journal prompt responses and my 2012 plan).

In the meanwhile, for today … here is the thing.

Before you can know anything, before you can hear a voice from a higher power, before you can listen to your own intuition or find the truth or know what you already know deep in your soul, you need something.

You need space.

Silence.

Time.

Connection to the eternal.

Whether you find that connection in the old growth redwoods or a church service or hot yoga or running a marathon or flying a plane across the sky, you must make your connection.

To remember your truth, you must create space for your truth.

#thatisall

Did you do a personal retreat or annual review? What process did you use?

What are your words, goals, vision, themes, resolutions, commitments for 2012?

Please leave a comment below, I’d love to hear from you!

She stepped forward, intuitively working the room, making introductions between new friends, negotiating what toys could be explored before morning meeting, finding a place for her posse on the carpet.

Without me.

Surpassing me.

And I am left alone in my apartment, stretched out on my bed with a MacBook on my lap and a pan of Betty Crocker fudge brownies tucked in besides me, and as proud as I am about her being excited about school, I wonder.

So. Now.

Who am I without her sitting beside me?

As an INFJ, I want to have it all figured out.

I feel safe and comfortable and in control with a really complex system providing clear and predictable answers. With well defined rules that govern how I should be and what I should do. With the future analyzed and decided and scripted re what program I’m launching next and where we’ll be for Christmas break and how my website will be formatted in 2014.

But when I give up all the tests and rules and systems and bullshit and just accept what’s going on in this moment, all I’m left with is the only thing that’s true.

I am me.

And really, no one can know who the fuck that should be.

Yes, I do have some ideas. I do have some plans.

I’m in the middle of a master’s degree and a few unfinished LYT programs and a website relaunch. I have ideas for new businesses and websites and blog posts and videos. I dream of travel and more learnings and to get certified in bookmaking or hand analysis or how to fly a plane.

Yes, I’m still a mom for the rest of my life.

Even when she’s not with me during the day. Even when she’s out on her own and has better things to do than text with her mom or whatever replaces texting in 2024.

But in the meanwhile, right now, I’m just going to focus on being myself.

(Whoever that is.)

And I’ll try be patient about what this being will end up doing.

—

Have you gone through a transition, sent a kid off to school or to live on their own, quit a job or business, leave a long-term relationship, and wonder … who are you without that role?

Who are you without that relationship or position as your identity?

I’d love to hear from you below!

I thought my writing today would be about finishing that post.

Spending another day in the wallow of self-doubt. Frozen. Melancholy.

Until a little tiny light appeared inside of me.

And I remembered the truth.

I don’t have to.

I don’t have to wallow. I don’t have to stay in this thick fog of grey monocromaticness. I don’t have to keep plodding around and around the revolving door of the lull.

I can break the pattern.

The first way I’m breaking the pattern is to engage in a major self-care assignment today.

The second way I’m breaking the pattern is to remember.

Remember why.

Why I don’t just get a job. Why I don’t just run away. Why I don’t just give up and lay down and fall asleep forever.

Why am I doing all this anyway, living my life out loud, speaking my truth, pushing my boundaries, being myself 100% of the time?

What am I passionate about, right now?

What about this life really gets me off?

And the fact that it’s really hard for me to answer that question right now means it’s the exact question I need to answer. Immediately.

So here are a few things I love.

I love the Moment. The Moment someone wakes up to their own life, decides that from now until forever they will walk, run, fly away screaming from monotony, live every day from now on in the world of the real. Those emails, tweets, DMs, Facebook posts, blog comments when someone shares that the little words I write have somehow changed their life for the better. Fuck yeah.

I love the look on my daughter’s face. When she discovers something, when she is full of giving and joy, when she knows she’s helped someone or has made someone laugh, when she’s made a new friend or read a new word or climbed higher than she thought possible. I love when she comes up to hug me and I ask her why and she says, “nothing. I just love you, mommy.”

I love when happens when I pole dance. The second when I switch from using my brain to think my way through a dance, to just being in the flow, when I am completely in my body, directly connected to the music, such that when it’s over I have absolutely no idea what I was doing for those 3+ minutes, but I can feel the peace and joy it produces in my very being.

I love the sound of his voice. There is something about it that shifts me, immediately, into another state of being, into the feminine, into receiving and softness and beauty and ecstasy and balance … even though it also unbalances me, throws me off, shocks me, pushes me, challenges me, calls up my strength and power and inner recesses of truth and mystery.

I love dark chocolate. Hummus, grilled cheese sandwiches, guacamole, things that are deep fried, salty chips and double stuffed oreos.

I love the sand squishing in between my toes. The smell of freshly cut wood when I come around a corner, the cool breeze on my face smelling of salt and ocean and earth, the natural silence of the an empty path meandering through the woods tucked at the edge of the city.

I love the city. The unlimited chaos and choices and people and energy, bubbling over underneath as I watch from my 4th floor balcony or the top of the park waterfall or the end of the pier as I drink my large mocha and eat my everything bagel with all-the-fat cream cheese.

I love the airport. The transitional people moving from one life to the next wandering through the bar or standing confused at the top of the escalator, the quiet space of the undisturbed hotel room full of expectations and possibleness and peace, the exploration of a new city or a new beach or a new waterfront drive with no rules or maps or parameters.

What about you?

What do you love about this life?

What do you love about your business, these people, what you are doing on this earth?

Why are you doing this anyway?

What do you need to remember?

I’ve found that it’s not just about finding your purpose, or “making money from your passion.” To “live your truth” is to combine your passion with your marketable skills to create your unique business & ideal lifestyle.

If this video resonates with you, I invite you to learn more about the 6 Weeks to Live Your Truth group coaching program. If you have any questions about the program, or feedback from this video, feel free to comment below or contact me directly.

Are you stuck? Got writer’s block? Unable to take action?

There are tons of guru’s out there who will teach you how to overcome or breakthrough your resistance so you can make a big decision or take big action.

But today I have another take on resistance … instead of trying to “resist” your resistance, look at it as a message from yourself to help you make decisions & take actions more aligned to your purpose & your truth.

But to use resistance as a tool you have to answer the big question … is your resistance coming from your soul, or from your ego?