Are you violating your own boundaries?
Here are some tips on how to maintain your self care practice and get better at maintaining your own boundaries.
What small steps can you take?
Here is the eighth video in the 10 part Business Boundaries series on Violations By You …
Here is the pdf guide mentioned in the video and below is the full transcript:
Day 8: Violations By You
Hey guys, it’s Elizabeth Potts Weinstein and now we are here on day 8 of “10 Days To Business Boundaries.” Now I want to talk about “You” because one of the big issues about boundaries is the most likely person to violate your boundaries is actually you.
Look actually I have no statistics about that, but that’s just what I see and my experience with myself. The thing is we teach people how to treat us and most of the time when there are boundary issues happening, we’re the ones who are biggest [laughs] violators.
We’re violating our own boundaries that we have tried to set in our own lives, starting with our self‑care at lot of times and it goes out from there.
For a lot of us, what happens, is that we started out with violating our own self‑care boundaries. Instead of approaching those violations from a place of partnership with ourselves, we approach it from a place of antagonistic punishment, guilt festival, and either completely give up on it or hurt ourselves or punish ourselves somehow and it just completely disintegrates.
Of course, that’s how other people treat us too. What I recommend is when you’re having boundary problems, a lot of times the best place to start is with the boundaries you set for yourself.
If you have a boundary about dealing with the structure you have in your day and one of the structures you have in your day is you’re going to go to bed every night at 10:00 PM, which is my bedtime by the way. [laughs]
The bedtime I worked into my schedule for myself, which took a while by the way. Then you’ve done that so you can get enough sleep because you realized, and of course, I’m talking about myself, how important sleep is in you being the person that you want to be.
You can be your best self in your life in the work that you do for your clients, in being a parent, in being a friend, and being a lover, and being the best person you can be for yourself, everything, right? You want to be able to go to bed at 10:00 PM so you can do that because you know that’s going to work. For me I’m a morning person I can’t sleep in, so going to bed early is the way for me to do it.
Well, if I had been going to bed at midnight, it would be very hard to go straight from midnight to 10:00 PM. I could say, “OK, I’m going to go to bed tonight at 10:00 PM” and then I could easily see, then this was what happened? That night number one “I can go to bed at 10:00 PM,” because you don’t have the first night you’re really gung‑ho about going to bed. You got to bed at 10:00 PM.
Then night number two you go to bed at 11:57 or something, right? You totally fail on the whole 10:00 PM thing, it just doesn’t happen and you’re really mad at yourself and you punish yourself and all the stuff.
Instead of approaching it from that antagonistic, you’re a terrible person, how you failed perspective, which you could totally do, right, when you fill out your weekly spreadsheet of how you failed and how disappointed and frustrated you are with yourself.
You approach it from a place of partnership. Let’s look at this boundary that you set yourself, that you created for yourself of going to bed at 10:00 PM. The structure you created for yourself. Is that actually going to work? Maybe it’s not. Maybe 10:00 PM is not realistic yet.
Maybe 11:30 is realistic or maybe 15 minutes earlier each week for the period of, however, many weeks that would be if you actually subtracted that out whatever, I don’t know. Six weeks, three weeks or I don’t know, someone do that math for me.
For me, that would be realistic, structuring out that boundary or maybe 10:00 PM is totally realistic if you designed an entire system around that, which is “This is how my life works is.” For me to be able to go to bed at 10:00 PM, I need an entire system designed to make that succeed.
So 10:00 PM means a whole set of things, have to happen, starting at 5:00 PM. It means that at 5:00 PM, I eat dinner. It means email shutting off at certain times. It means playing with my kids at certain times. It means certain times, no more talking on the phone, certain times. All kinds of things have to stop. No more tidying the house. No more doing the dishes, certain times my kids go to bed, certain times I start getting ready for bed.
All these things have to happen so going to bed at 10:00 PM happens.
Does it happen every night? No. Does it happen most nights? Not lately, actually 10:30 has been more like what’s happening. That’s actually something that I’ve been evaluating recently. The idea is that when you’re evaluating the boundaries that you’ve set for yourself and how you’re violating your own boundary, you need to evaluate it based on, from a place of partnership.
From a place of love for yourself and look at the boundary itself and say, is this a boundary that’s realistic? That’s actually going to work? Also, if it’s a boundary that we’re committed to, we, both me and myself [laughs] committed to, from a base of partnership with myself and how can we make this work?
By approaching it from a place of partnership with yourself, you’re going to learn how to be a great partner within yourself and you’re going to be able to create great partnerships with other people. We’ll talk about that tomorrow. See you next.
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